No Bookmarks Exist.
Can you please? 00:00:00
If Council member, Gamma Council Member Hernandez here, Council Member Mcfee, Lejohn here and mayor. 00:00:03
Martinez. 00:00:11
President, Mayor Pro Tem Perez will be joining us shortly. 00:00:12
It will hear public comments. 00:00:16
Councillor. 00:00:20
Council Member ohh no no. 00:00:21
No, I'm sorry. Do we have any public comments tonight? No public comment. 00:00:23
Sure, Becky. 00:00:29
We have a business item today, Governance Role Training Session 2. 00:00:32
This is an information item and I will now turn it over to our wonderful presenter, Mr. Jerry But I Seattle. 00:00:38
Thank you for the wonderful comment there. I appreciate that. Always nice to be nice to be described as wonderful presenter rather 00:00:46
than tiresome, boring or whatever else, right? So I'm sad because we have a chance for public comment this time and I've never met 00:00:52
Becky, so I was looking forward to it. That's OK. 00:00:59
I'm Jerry Preciado, as was mentioned, and I've had the privilege. 00:01:06
Of working with our Portland City Council. 00:01:10
For a couple of months now and and it has truly been a privilege. 00:01:14
I I have met all of you and I. 00:01:18
I have this. 00:01:21
Tendency period to. 00:01:23
Get attached to people that I'm working with or that I may be their coworkers or clients. 00:01:27
But you know to use my my Texas draw for a minute. 00:01:32
It was easy to like all of y'all. That's the plural of y'all, all y'all, right? And it really has been to a person. I've 00:01:36
appreciated the time I've been able to spend with you. 00:01:42
I didn't get back to all the correspondence that was sent to me. 00:01:49
But I think overall those issues can be addressed today, or concerns if they want to be brought up or we can talk afterwards. I'm 00:01:53
in no rush to leave, so if anybody has any questions afterward, please feel free to stick around and we'll make time and chat. 00:02:00
I've got no pressing things for tomorrow. 00:02:08
So just a quick little recap on what we did last time. 00:02:10
I appreciate the opportunity to talk to you about right this purest form of democracy that we have, which is local government and 00:02:14
the importance of that governance role in setting a vision. 00:02:20
For our great city right one of your primary roles that the governance team setting the vision, adopting policies and procedures 00:02:26
in order for us to be able to carry out that vision and build a structure for all the employees of our good city to operate 00:02:32
within. 00:02:37
And sent behavioral expectations. 00:02:43
And then we talked about a third role is championing that efforts. 00:02:45
Championing those goals and objectives, the vision that's been set. 00:02:50
Which is a big part of it. We just got started, so you're right on time. 00:02:54
And then the last part of it was, you know, the, the important part of hiring the right people. 00:02:58
Right. And the hiring the right people to carry out and execute that vision by directing, delegating, building an accountability 00:03:05
structure, right. And we have that with our new city manager, James Bagan. 00:03:12
Well, I had the pleasure of meeting today, right. So it was, it was nice to see that all that being carried out. 00:03:19
Did you have any questions or follow up on those areas that said in the vision adopting policies? 00:03:26
Championing the effort and then hiring the executive to carry out your vision. Was there any carryover on that one? 00:03:32
Are we good? 00:03:39
I'm good. 00:03:41
Excellent, excellent. So to build upon that and other elements of what we discussed. 00:03:43
This session today is going to focus on two areas really, with one this little tiny one in the middle of of the two bigger ones. 00:03:49
And it's. 00:03:54
Conflict resolution. 00:03:59
Self-awareness which is part of that and then communication. 00:04:01
Now you're probably wondering, Jerry, we're we're professionals here. You've seen our resumes and I have what's listed on the 00:04:05
website anyway and they're very impressive. 00:04:09
From risk management to a emergency response and management to you know. 00:04:13
Civilian employees in a military environment and academia, et cetera. There's a lot going on here. You don't need someone like me 00:04:19
to come and talk to you about, right. Some areas like conflict resolution and communication, but there are good reminders no 00:04:27
matter what level we are at executive level, right, which is where we count you, management level, non management, non manager, 00:04:35
supervisor, personnel, etcetera. These are good reminders for all of us to to engage in. So I want to begin with. 00:04:42
This idea? 00:04:50
Of the wedge. It's a metaphor. 00:04:51
And this is going to sound a bit like hyperbole. 00:04:54
But if you manage to and does everybody in this room you know, has this opportunity by the time we're done? 00:04:57
To have that wedge remover on your human interaction tool belts. 00:05:03
It will improve. 00:05:08
Every relationship in your life. 00:05:10
I mean every single one. These are of course present, company included. 00:05:13
But also those that you have outside of here. 00:05:18
Back in your jobs, back in your community, a neighborhood back in you know, your family, extended family, your sibling 00:05:20
relationships, your marriage relationships, or just with your life partner. 00:05:27
The wedge removal tool. 00:05:33
Is a tool that will improve every relationship in your life, including the one with that neighbor who has those ornamental plums, 00:05:35
that hangover on your side of the fence. He doesn't want you to cut them and they fall onto your walk area, right? And we can't 00:05:40
seem to get a solution for that. 00:05:45
So the age-old example that we give, but it's real and it's hard to to find a happy medium. 00:05:51
When you want to be a good neighbor and not cut down the tree even though you think it will not cause any harm, how do we get past 00:05:55
those wedges that are the result of conflict? 00:05:59
We're going to cover that today and truly, I can tell you. 00:06:03
You know, we do this with clients large and small. We do the Wedge with, you know, 1000 people in our auditorium at UC Santa 00:06:07
Barbara trying to think of locations nearby and other places because you see, still is our our biggest client, right? 00:06:14
All 230,000 employees. 00:06:21
And the information we get back. 00:06:25
It's anecdotal in nature because it's e-mail communication, texting at times. 00:06:28
Is that the Wedge has had a positive impact on their relationships. It improved them. 00:06:33
Now I will share with you that. 00:06:39
I think I shared it with you last time, but it's closer now, August 5th, so it's coming up. 00:06:41
And not this Saturday, but the one after. 00:06:47
Sorry, August 6th. Don't forget that, especially because I'm being recorded. August 6th is my wedding anniversary. It'll be 35 00:06:50
years that I've been married to this incredible woman. 00:06:54
And I will tell you it wouldn't have lasted 35 days. 00:06:59
If I just didn't know and understand how to remove wedges. 00:07:03
It's important for all of us in our relationship, so with that sort of. 00:07:07
You know advanced. 00:07:11
Sounds like almost that verbally. Let's get started on this simple metaphor. 00:07:12
Let's talk about your paradigm in you. 00:07:16
Right, your lens to the world. 00:07:18
Right, I'm going to do it real simple. 00:07:20
I'm going to use some visuals and anybody who wants to participate can, but I'm going to start with you 3. 00:07:22
OK, even our clerks going to be involved here. I'm going to show you an image. 00:07:28
And I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind. We're going to start with Georgiana, and we're going to go to Steven 00:07:32
to Council Member Ghana. All right. Now, by the time it gets to you, Council Member Gamma, you need to not be influenced by these 00:07:39
two. Keep your original thoughts, all right? Whatever came to mind when you see this image? Are you ready? 00:07:46
All right. No pressure. Don't overthink it. Just tell us what you see. OK, here it comes. 00:07:53
What is that? 00:08:01
And notice a little washed happens visible that looks like a spider spider. OK, next. 00:08:03
Now I want to say spider. 00:08:09
I saw a horse. Horse, very good. Eiffel Tower, Eiffel Tower. 00:08:12
You know, I don't think that answer a lot Eiffel Tower, but I do get it, and it's probably my favorite answer because I like to 00:08:17
travel and that conjures up fun times images. 00:08:22
Good bread and cheese. 00:08:29
Right. So I like that one, Steve, and I really do. And so there it is. Right what it is. So this is a one of the Rorschach ink 00:08:31
blots, right, and the most common answer to this one. 00:08:36
Is crabs. 00:08:42
Now with the power suggestion, do you see it? Then I should say yeah, on either side, right? 10:00 o'clock and 2:00 o'clock. 00:08:44
There, there are cracks right there. 00:08:50
That is the most common. You know what answer we get most popular lately? 00:08:53
Since the pandemic respiratory system, is that what you saw? Yeah, it's some kind of thing with COVID Germany. Yeah, take it easy. 00:08:57
It's true COVID influence like crazy. 00:09:04
So it's crabs. Alright, let's go with and just break it up into now YouTube. 00:09:11
And then I'm going to go with you too, right, Becky, do you want to participate? We'll include you as well. All right, Becky. You 00:09:15
think on the next one. You too. You ready? 00:09:20
You're going first question mayor and then the mayor. 00:09:25
Don't feel pressured and don't be influenced. All right, here we go. What about this one? And by the way, no pressure. 00:09:28
But this is the easiest one. 00:09:35
Here we go. 00:09:38
Misty. 00:09:44
Butterfly. 00:09:46
I thought it was a butterfly, but then I saw more like like this mystical horse with like big leans, you know, I see the wings and 00:09:48
I see that like the front part of it, like the horse. What is it? A Pegasus? Pegasus. There's a lot going on right there. Lot 00:09:54
going on. Farmer Tempe, I profiler. I wonder. 00:10:00
What's going on there? 00:10:08
You don't see it. 00:10:10
Right there. 00:10:14
So the more the most common answer on this one is mop or fats. Both of those are the most common injuries. Mother back. And you 00:10:17
see that? Yeah, most are bad, right? I do get butterfly, Madam Vice Mayor. I do get butterfly. 00:10:25
And not very often. 00:10:33
Because that's the ugliest butterfly I have ever seen, right? But people do see the butterfly. It's all a matter of perspective, 00:10:35
yes. And and with that butterfly, think to myself. You know, if I'm ever feeling down. 00:10:41
Down in the dumps, maybe you need a little energy boost or some positive energy. 00:10:47
I'm going to call Misty and by her love because she sees butterflies and ugly ink lots like this, right? So you'd be the person 00:10:50
I'd want to lift my spirits. Alright, last 141 gonna points each one of you, Council member answered. 00:10:58
This once. 00:11:07
Little challenge. 00:11:09
What is that? I see Internal ordinance. Internal organs. Very good, Martha. 00:11:10
By the shield mats. 00:11:16
Shield mask. 00:11:18
Ohh it again. Mask mask very good. Can you see anything? 00:11:19
Lungs. 00:11:25
The brain The brain from like top view or. 00:11:27
Interesting. Interesting. Some kind of cerebral aerial view there with that one. 00:11:31
Are the most common answer to this one is 4 legged animals. 00:11:37
More like an advance power suggestion. Do you see them now? 00:11:42
What? 00:11:47
Right there, crawling up the side. 00:11:49
Crawling up the side, head on top. Yeah, I mean, looks like some crickets that look like they look like raccoons or Badgers to me. 00:11:52
It looks like I see a slice. 00:11:56
The guy with the contrast. There you go. 00:12:02
Somebody then Moran. So here's the, you know, $1,000,000 question, right? We saw this correctly everyone. 00:12:06
Right. And. And our good vice mayor said it earlier. It's a matter of perspective, right? 00:12:13
Absolutely. A matter of perspective. There's no wrong answer here. We see what we see, even if it's a crazy wing flying horse, 00:12:18
right? You see what we see. And it's a great imagination. That was no attack intended there. Tremendous imagination. We all know 00:12:25
he had a good imagination. Yeah, I'm glad. I'm just glad you didn't ask me what I saw on the other one. 00:12:32
Now I'm curious, right? So we all see things through a unique set of circumstances. 00:12:42
The lens which we have developed. 00:12:48
Soon as we walked in that building, everything that happened between us coming through the doorway into these chairs and viewing 00:12:52
it and hearing all my words, you're all hearing the same words. 00:12:57
But are you getting the exact same message? Absolutely not, because you have different paradigms, a different lens to the world, 00:13:02
right? And so when it comes to those lenses, how many are there? 00:13:07
As a last fall, we hit a number we've never hit before. 00:13:14
8 billion paradox. 00:13:19
That is a lot of paradigms for people who are concerned with things like population control, et cetera. That is a an alarm for a 00:13:22
lot of people. 00:13:26
But but the truth is. 00:13:31
You know we we are who we are, and there are parts of the world that that contribute to that greater than than we do in the 00:13:32
States. And there are other nations who are going in the reverse. 00:13:37
Like the nation of Japan is going in reverse on that. 00:13:43
And in the US, the model is we're going to go up a little bit more and then we're supposed to come down. 00:13:47
Which is interesting, right? So we'll see what happens with that and doesn't mean it's because that's the model now that it will 00:13:53
remain such, but the point is. 00:13:57
8 billion Do we remember how much 8 billion is? Because now? 00:14:01
As you local government leaders look at the national government leaders and they talk in trillions now. 00:14:06
Right. We don't even pay attention to 1,000,000. 00:14:13
Because anyone who owns a decent property in Southern California could feel like a millionaire, right? We don't pay attention as 00:14:16
much to millions anymore, especially if you live in the Bay Area where I grew up. 00:14:22
Umm. 00:14:29
You know, it's just different now. But billions, it's still a big number we forget. But trillions, I can't begin to understand 00:14:29
what trillions are, but let's just do the billion thing just to identify and make this point here. 00:14:35
If I gave you each of you. 00:14:41
$100,000 tomorrow morning. 00:14:43
And said that caveat is. 00:14:46
You must spend this. 00:14:48
You must spend it. 00:14:50
Before the end of the day, so before midnight, you have to spend 100 grand. 00:14:52
How many of you would take my challenge and take my 100 grants? 00:14:57
Yeah, I would think so. Could you do it? Could you spend 100 grand tomorrow? Yeah. Nice vacation. I think you could do it, but you 00:15:02
don't have enough faith in yourself. Yeah, you could definitely do it. I know I could. 00:15:08
Right. That's that's like almost a brand new truck. 00:15:14
This crisis, it's crazy, absolutely crazy, how much things cost. OK, if you engage in this exercise with me, I give you the 100 00:15:18
grand. And then the next day on Thursday, I come back. 00:15:24
And if you've spent your 100 grand, you're going to get a fresh 100 grand. 00:15:31
Still going to keep playing with me? I was like, yes, yes, quit talking, start doling out of here. 00:15:34
We keep doing that. 00:15:41
And we keep going as long as you keep spending. 00:15:43
We'll keep doling out that 100 grand a day. That's your per diem. 00:15:45
100 grand. 00:15:49
You'll be spending $3,000,000 a month proximately. 00:15:52
You'll be spending 36 million a year. Of course, you don't have to fritter it away. 00:15:55
Right. You can invest in property vehicles. 00:16:00
Whatever you need to spend it on. 00:16:03
At 36 million a year and three million a month, how long is it going to take you? 00:16:06
To get to 1 billion dollars, right? But one? 00:16:12
30 years. 00:16:17
That is a pretty good math right there. That's not far off in the plus or minus category there. 00:16:19
27 plus years. Very good. 00:16:25
There's 127 plus years. 00:16:29
Spending 100 grand a day. 00:16:32
You almost feel like a Kardashian, don't you, when you think about all that money. I just heard that Kim Kardashian's new company 00:16:35
here. 00:16:38
What's it called? Skins, Is that what our company is just got valued at several billion dollars. Let's just keep hitting, you 00:16:42
know, gold mine after gold mine with the things that kept promoting, creating and attaching themselves to so. 00:16:48
It's going to take you 27 plus years to get to 1 billion. 00:16:54
So that's a huge number, right? We can all agree that 1 billion is a huge number. 00:16:58
It is, but you have a question. One of the things that I teach my students is if we just consider seconds, 1,000,000 seconds is 12 00:17:01
days. 00:17:05
A billion seconds is 32 years. 00:17:09
Wow, that is a very, very good comparison that illustrates the point beautifully right there. So there are 8 billion paragraphs. 00:17:13
The way you view the world, the assumptions, beliefs, values. 00:17:23
Right. What kinds of things are going to influence your paradigm? 00:17:27
Your life experience, your number of years living for sure your age right? What other things impacts your paradigm and influence 00:17:30
how you see the world? 00:17:34
Was that your culture, culture, ethnicity, race, ancestry, come on in national origin, etcetera? Those will lump all those 00:17:41
together, Madam Council Member there, definitely. 00:17:47
That is absolutely going to influence the way you see the world, for example. 00:17:54
Those 35 years ago when I was initially married, right? My wife and I were kind of traditional. We met, we fell in love. Well, I 00:17:58
fell in love. Convinced her to fall in love. Took some months, really. And then we got engaged. And then we got married. And then 00:18:03
we moved in together. 00:18:09
In that order, right. So can that make for a rough first year in a couplehood, if you will, when you never lived together before 00:18:14
you got married? It can. Doesn't always mean it, but it was because I'm, you know. Well, let's look at my wife. She's mostly 00:18:20
Irish. 00:18:25
But she's Swedish and Danish and Welsh. 00:18:32
Right in English. 00:18:35
And her ancestry. 00:18:37
And me, I'm Mexican on my mom's side and Mexican on my dad's side. At least Go and Sinaloa, Mexico, right? 00:18:39
So she grew up in San Jose, CA, my wife, so her paradigm is familiar with a, you know? 00:18:47
Schoolmates, et cetera, who were Latino, but she never spent much time in her home. 00:18:54
To understand what many of the cultures are like. So when we got married, we moved into this little apartment up in the Bay Area. 00:18:58
Little town called Los Gatos. Not Los Gatos. Los Gatos. Just like Paso Robles. 00:19:05
So we were there, and one day I'm sitting there watching a ball game and she says to me, Jerry, do you want to finish unloading 00:19:12
this dishwasher or do you want to go downstairs and move the stuff from the washers and washroom to the dryers? What if my 00:19:19
machismo paradigm say in response to that that's women's work. 00:19:25
I wasn't that literal about it, Miss Steven, but pretty much I said, well, I'm going to pick door #3. I made-up my own answer, 00:19:33
right? I'm going to finish watching my game. But when you're done with your work, can you bring me a sandwich? 00:19:40
How well do you think that went over to an Irish, Swedish, Danish? Not well at all. Not well at all. She's like, what? What are 00:19:48
you talking about? You've done a lot of due diligence. We were getting married, for crying out loud, right? So we had to get to 00:19:54
know each other, but we didn't understand the nuances. 00:19:59
Of our cultural differences, like my paradigm. 00:20:05
On the division of domestic labor and my wife's paradigm on the same subjects. 00:20:09
I'd never given it much thought. Why? Because my primary caregivers influenced my paradigm or my lungs to the world. 00:20:14
My mother. 00:20:21
My father, my 2 nanas, my grandmas, my momma's 4 sisters, her two brothers and their two wives. 00:20:23
All Mexican, all influencing the division of domestic labor was what a good vice mayor alluded to, which is anything within the 00:20:30
four walls of our home was women's work and outside was mentioned. 00:20:35
Now, is that a universal paradigm? 00:20:42
Does everybody believe that? Does anyone in this room believe that? Right. And so we had this paradigm collision habit. 00:20:44
But that was a big part of my paradigm. 00:20:53
And I'll hold on to the rest of that story for later. 00:20:55
Right. As we bring back, can we shift our programs? 00:20:58
Because I still wouldn't be married to that woman 35 years later had I not shifted my paradigm. 00:21:01
And had a more equitable division of domestic labor going on, right. So there's one. Thank you, Madam Council Member for. 00:21:07
Sharing that one about culture, ethnicity, ancestry, national origin that can influence how we see the world. What other things 00:21:16
have influenced your paradigm in your lives? Life experience, Life experience? Like what was your second part? Trauma. Trauma. 00:21:23
Can trauma influence how you see the world, your level of trust? 00:21:31
Right. And experience that way. Yeah. Yeah, I I see that. We've all seen it. 00:21:35
And there are some people we know who went from trusting until somebody breached the trust. 00:21:38
Right. There's two categories really I I still fall into that category. I will trust you until you give me some reason not to 00:21:44
trust you. You breached the trust someone then I won't trust you anymore until you rebuild it or or it gets rebuilt. 00:21:49
Then there's the other part, which is I don't trust anyone. 00:21:55
Until they earn the trust. 00:21:58
Right. And maybe we see people pivot from one to the other because of life trauma. 00:22:00
Being taken advantage of. 00:22:04
Right being on the receiving end of crime. 00:22:06
Violence or otherwise, right? People can shift that paradigm. Definitely trauma. And I've experienced how we were raised. Who 00:22:09
raised us? Was it a loving, caring? 00:22:14
Empathic human being. Or was it an abusive, you know? 00:22:19
Gaslighting mom or dad, You know, those things can have an impact on our paradox for sure. What else? So ethnicity, Culture, 00:22:24
Trauma in our lives? What other things have influenced your paradigms about? 00:22:30
There were. 00:22:36
Religion. That is a huge part of our paradigm. 00:22:37
Right. Whether we believe in organized religion or spiritual, but don't believe in organized religion. 00:22:40
Whether we have a certain set of, you know, doctrine that we believe in or dogma. 00:22:46
Right. Has religion influence the paradigms of certain regions of our planets, causing them to not experience peace for a long 00:22:51
time? It's it's like a crossover, right? Not to get political at all, but sometimes the politics does beer into the religion and 00:22:57
they meet at a corner that ends up in chaos. 00:23:03
And we can go hundreds and hundreds every say, thousands of years because of it. 00:23:09
All within the influence of our paradigms. 00:23:13
With the the religion is a big part and one of the things that helps, for example in my situation and a lot of my examples, as you 00:23:16
know, are personal. 00:23:20
In that early part of the relationship where we were just started figuring each other out was the common faith that we had. That 00:23:24
was a big part of it. 00:23:27
Help us overcome some other deficiencies. 00:23:31
Give me one or two more other things and then I'm going to move on. What other things influence our paradise education? Thank you. 00:23:33
Council Member Hernandez, I really appreciate that one because that really is a pivot point for many of us. 00:23:41
Right, for what they call first Janice, right. The first person in our family to go to college, for example. 00:23:46
That is a pivot point for so many of us, to shift the paradigm from, you know, what seemed like a predestined outcome to a a 00:23:52
really. 00:23:57
A world of opportunities. It feels like it is far different. Education has a huge impact, and not just on first chance. It could 00:24:02
have a huge impact on people who are 4th generation college students as well. What they study, how they study and how well they 00:24:08
do. Finding their calling, for example. 00:24:13
In education, right, because of what they studied, et cetera. 00:24:18
Amazing things happen. One more and then I'm going to press forward. 00:24:22
What other things influence our paradigm relationships? 00:24:25
Relationships absolutely do. 00:24:29
They absolutely. 00:24:31
You know for example. 00:24:32
How many of you? This is not rhetorical. I really do want to know the answer to this question. How many of you are an only child? 00:24:34
You don't have any siblings. 00:24:38
No one, no one in this room. 00:24:43
How many of you are the baby in your family? I know at least one other. 00:24:46
Right. 00:24:50
Right and. 00:24:52
When we were speaking earlier, I'm the baby of two. 00:24:54
Right. Some people are the baby of 7th. I think there's a far different relationship going on there, right in our dynamic when it 00:24:57
comes to relationships. 00:25:02
How many of you are the oldest child? 00:25:06
There you go. There's no surprise you're in this room, then. Oldest children tend to have the stereotype not always right, but the 00:25:09
stereotypical. 00:25:13
Perception of being the responsible one. You know our oldest daughter, she's the oldest of five. We went girl, girl, boy, boy and 00:25:17
then Princess at the very end there of our five children. 00:25:23
That influenced her paradigm quite a bit. 00:25:28
And our oldest daughter was. She went off to college. 00:25:31
Back in the day 2000. 00:25:35
Nine, I think in 2007. 00:25:37
It was like a vacation for her. 00:25:40
Didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, Didn't have to, you know, pick people up in places, didn't have to, etcetera, etcetera, you 00:25:42
know, be the. 00:25:47
Be the supervisor of the children's choice. So all these things influence our paradigms and other things. 00:25:51
Like our success at work, our failures at work. 00:25:57
Our success in relationships, our failures and relationship all influence our paradigm. Where we come from, where our people come 00:26:00
from. 00:26:04
Right. I'm from the States. San Diego is my hometown. That's where I was born. The USA is my nation of origin. That's where I 00:26:09
pledged my patriotism. 00:26:13
But then my ancestry, Those people from Sinaloa, Mexico, and Sinaloan Alesco, Mexico, they have my. 00:26:18
Absolute love and support. 00:26:27
That that cultural upbringing right that I had in the States with those influences are inextricably intertwined with my 00:26:29
patriotism. 00:26:33
And so there they are, And we become who we become. And then we give context to the world. Everything I've said then for the last 00:26:37
28 minutes, we're almost 1/2 hour into our time together. 00:26:42
You process through that unique paradigm of yours. 00:26:47
All the words were the same that I shared, but you've processed them very differently because they had to go through your unique 00:26:50
lens which gives structure to your world. Which is why when it comes to professional educators, you got to figure out what 00:26:57
paradigms are on the other end and you keep adjusting accordingly, right? To try and reach the one who needs to be reached. 00:27:03
Right. So that we get there, we don't need anyone behind us. 00:27:10
No one left behind, no situation. 00:27:13
So has anyone anointed any of us in this room? 00:27:16
King or Queen of the Paradigm Universe? 00:27:19
No, I'm just. 00:27:24
Thanks for raising your hand a little bit though. It feels at times like we do feel like sometimes at certain rooms, like you 00:27:26
know, we we do have all the right wisdom, knowledge, experience, taste, etcetera. But overall, 8 billion paradigms. It would be 00:27:32
arrogance, extremely arrogant for any of us to sit here thinking, wow, everybody else is so lucky to be in this room with me 00:27:38
because I have the right paradigm. 00:27:43
Right. Such a person does not exist. 00:27:50
Does not exist. 00:27:53
Right. And let's get context to that well. 00:27:55
Bobby Martinez. He is the mayor of the City Council. Surely he is king of the paradigm universe. Is that true? 00:27:58
Absolutely not. It just means he has a paradigm that also has. 00:28:05
Authoritative context and responsibility with it. 00:28:11
But it doesn't make whatever he says universally true. Imagine if I were king of the paradise. 00:28:15
If I were the king and I laughed at something, you would all have to laugh. 00:28:20
Because if I think it's funny, everybody has to think it's funny. 00:28:25
If I think it's offensive, everybody has to think it's offensive. 00:28:28
That's not who any of us are. Such a person doesn't exist. 00:28:32
Again, we see people who act like that. 00:28:35
They act like. 00:28:39
Everything they observe, they acknowledge, they say, they put forward, etcetera, like they are king of the paradigm universe. 00:28:41
Well, none of us will intellectually raise our hands and say, yes, I'm king of the paradigm universe. 00:28:47
Right. Or Queen of the Paradigm universe when we when it sneaks up on us. Here's what it looks like. 00:28:53
You say that one of your colleagues. Don't you think you're making too much of this? 00:28:59
Don't you think you're overreacting to the situation? You're wrong. That's not what they dance. 00:29:03
You are being too sensitive, I think your skin. 00:29:09
Those top four are paradigm projecting behaviors. 00:29:12
Right when I said to one of my kids, right. Hey, what do you care what other people think? 00:29:17
I don't care. And it's about time you quit caring too. 00:29:23
Was I acting like king of the paradigm universe? Yes. Now could I respect that? That's a great concept, that your life is going to 00:29:26
feel far more peaceful and your self esteem will go up when you care less what certain people's opinions are of you? Yeah, I think 00:29:33
that's a real principle that can be taught, but not at the expense of that child's feelings in that moment. 00:29:41
It's just not something that I should ever be doing that is essentially to use that you know, less than formal term. 00:29:49
That's a child coming to me and saying to me and I say, hey, why are you going happy? What's going on? Well, so and so said that I 00:29:57
was at that. 00:30:00
Well, what do you care what they think, right? You should just care what you think about it when your friends think of you. 00:30:04
So you can pick and choose. Who cares about you, what you think. 00:30:10
What I just did, there is crap all over their fields. That's the important Sir, right? I disregard it. Dismissed. 00:30:13
Spat upon them and those feelings. 00:30:20
Are they entitled to those reactions? 00:30:23
Yeah, 8 billion of us. 00:30:26
All entitled to feel what we feel, experience what we experience. 00:30:28
And when they don't agree with us or we don't agree with them, it is not our privilege and right to say to them, hey, you're doing 00:30:33
this wrong, you have the wrong paradigm. 00:30:37
If they react a certain way, case in point, look at our country in 2020. 00:30:42
The Black Lives Matter movement? Really. 00:30:48
Got a lot of traction. 00:30:52
Right, in 2020 because of the George Floyd incident in Minneapolis. 00:30:54
And there are people who were watching this unfold. 00:30:59
And this emphasis on Black Lives Matter. 00:31:01
And their paradigm was so focused on how they were taking that. 00:31:04
There was no room for any instruction or enlightenment. 00:31:08
They were rigid and flexible paradigms. They're like what? 00:31:12
Black lives matter. Know all lives matter. 00:31:15
Well, the message was really. 00:31:19
Not that just didn't say just Black lives matter. 00:31:22
It's a Black Lives Matter. 00:31:26
And it was in response to the fact that. 00:31:28
Looking at it statistically and I have trained and I absolutely. 00:31:30
Love. 00:31:35
Sworn personnel and law enforcement? I do. I'm a big fan. 00:31:36
Of that particular. 00:31:39
Umm. 00:31:41
Field location, et cetera. Not just them all public safety fire as well. 00:31:42
And I've trained more of them than anyone else in my career over the last 20-6 years. And so I have a great affinity for. 00:31:46
The line of work and the sacrifices made by those individuals. 00:31:54
And so when somebody says, hey, Black Lives Matter, it was in response to hey, people who are of African descent. 00:31:58
Do not, statistically speaking, receive the receive the same level of treatments. 00:32:07
Approach, service, respect, et cetera. When engaging in law enforcement with law enforcement personnel, right. Sworn personnel. 00:32:12
That was the message. 00:32:17
And and the message that hey, black lives matter too. Not just non black lives who get better treatments. 00:32:23
When approached when met, etcetera, etcetera. Now you know I'm not speaking university for all sworn personnel, right? 00:32:29
Said looking at one particular council member. I'm not speaking for all sworn personnel. Like I said, huge fan and a believer. 00:32:36
Umm. 00:32:43
And funding beliefs, Big Believer. 00:32:45
But statistics will show with all those people that I have encountered and the cities that I've worked with go back to my lawyer 00:32:48
days. 00:32:51
Some of the things that we encountered investigating situations were indefensible. 00:32:55
There was no way that we could justify the actions that were taken by certain personnel in those situations. 00:33:01
And so if there was a pattern of behavior like that, and we saw that there was. 00:33:08
Either with certain agencies, certain regions of the country, et cetera, that we realize, OK, people are being treated differently 00:33:12
based on the color of their skin. And Arizona, it might be somebody perceived to be an illegal immigrants. 00:33:19
I'm from Mexico or somewhere South of that border. 00:33:26
In the South it could be black, in the North it could be black, et cetera. 00:33:30
So when we say black lives matter, it was not just Black lives matter, but Black Lives matter too. 00:33:34
We're going to be accurate about that. We shouldn't put A to at the end of that slide. Black lives Matter too. Now, some people, 00:33:40
this goes back to our paradigm. 00:33:44
Right. Some people saw that. But black lives matter. All lives matter. How dare you. I'm white. My life should matter too. We're 00:33:49
not saying it does. 00:33:52
With the movement, right, we're saying this. 00:33:56
Now a lot of other things have happened with leadership within that movement etcetera that have caused a lot of suspicion and and 00:33:58
people to feel justified and how they they reacted to it all but it illustrates the point beautifully. 00:34:04
Our paradigms are going to dictate. 00:34:10
How we feel about any given situation. 00:34:13
And look at the great bailouts back in the Great Recession that happened between, say, 2008 and 2000 and 1112. 00:34:16
During the first Obama administration. 00:34:24
And there was this idea of. 00:34:27
You know, too, too big to fail kind of thing. And when people were being bailed out, right? Who had been? 00:34:29
And arrears and their mortgages, et cetera. 00:34:37
If you in this room, your paradigm was all hey. 00:34:40
I took on a mortgage, and with that responsibility I skipped and I say to make sure that I made my mortgage payments on time or 00:34:44
close to it on a monthly basis for years. I took a second job, right? I was working at the port during the day, and I was working 00:34:51
over at McDonald's in the evenings to make sure that I met my obligations. And now you're bailing these people out. 00:34:58
Right, your paradigm is going to have a problem with that. 00:35:05
You know for some of you, for others of you, even if you did scrimp and save your paradigm with a greater empathy and it might be 00:35:08
said ohh good for that. 00:35:12
Good for them. I know what it's like to suffer in those situations. It just depends. 00:35:15
Some people like my kids. 00:35:19
Right, who were watching this whole debate recently? It's still going, still unfolding on forgiveness of student loans. 00:35:21
Right. My wife and I had a commitment that we would get each of our kids. 00:35:28
Through undergraduate we would make sure they didn't have to take out loans for that, but Graduate School, they were on their own. 00:35:32
So some of our kids have have obligations. 00:35:36
And they're like, yes, come on. 00:35:40
They didn't care about party affiliation or anything else. They just wanted to see debt forgiveness, right. And so that's how they 00:35:42
view it. And I view it a little differently than my own children view. It's right in that context, so. 00:35:48
These paradigms. 00:35:54
Everyone's entitled to how they feel and how they react. 00:35:55
It would be wrong for me to say to you, hey, don't you think you're overreacting? 00:35:59
Right. They're just dismissing your feelings out of hand because you have a paradigm. 00:36:04
That's every bit. 00:36:08
As eligible to perspective mine. 00:36:10
8 billion of us have those paradigms. 00:36:12
And so the last two are what we call conversation stoppers. 00:36:15
Right. And say let's use our council as an example. 00:36:20
If somebody says, hey, we've got this situation, we have this shortfall, we need to decide what to do with it, and then one of you 00:36:23
says there's only one right way to do this. 00:36:28
How many times is that a true statement truly? 00:36:35
Balancing the checkbook. 00:36:41
What's that? When you balance your check? When you balance your checkbook, right? But even then, I assure you. 00:36:42
That if the deficit isn't too great for some people, they would be OK with that. 00:36:48
Right. You might get down to the number right in the penny, but it just depends on your perspective with it. 00:36:53
You know if I still have checks. 00:36:57
Then I'm going to write that part of the balance, right? That's impossible. And no, I agree wholeheartedly. Councilmember Game, I 00:36:59
agree with you. 00:37:04
I am more of a fiscal conservative. 00:37:09
I don't believe in having future generations pay my debts and obligations. I don't. 00:37:11
But there's a different perspective on that. Who's right? 00:37:16
It's just like the Inkblots all over again, isn't it? 00:37:22
Who's right? It depends on what you think is important, what you think matters. 00:37:24
And what you think is going to achieve the outcome that should be achieved and again, all of it based on discretion judgments? 00:37:29
Right. Perception. All of it. 00:37:38
And so when one of you said there's only one right way to do that, it's like saying to your Max, right Siri, Hey, Siri, get me 00:37:40
from here to Oxnard City Hall. 00:37:46
She's going to tell you the best way to get there, right, the most efficient way right now if that's where you're going based on 00:37:52
the traffic patterns etcetera. 00:37:56
But how many ways are there to get from this location, this marvelous Community Center, to Oxnard City Hall? How many ways are 00:38:00
there? 00:38:04
There are a lot of ways to get there. 00:38:08
There are a lot of ways. 00:38:10
You know, but there is one most efficient way. 00:38:12
And that that's the question then you have a single answer. 00:38:15
But the question is how many ways, right? So there's only one right way to do that. 00:38:19
So rarely it's true statements. 00:38:23
Right. The statement maybe is trying to say, hey, the way I look at the situation. 00:38:26
I believe the best way to do that is and that's OK. 00:38:31
That is absolutely OK. 00:38:35
But it can't be the only right way unless we're running a wastewater treatment plants and we're regulated by federal regulations 00:38:37
and things like that. 00:38:41
If we're in a finance for the city of port wine, meaning and we have to follow not only generally accepted, you know practice it 00:38:46
etcetera, those gap rules, but we also have to follow local area, blah, blah, blah, etcetera, then there's things that we have to 00:38:50
comply. 00:38:55
Look at the last one. Everyone knows that the best. 00:39:00
Really, everyone knows that the best five you're going to find is that fast Saigon just around the corner over here, right? And 00:39:03
Fort Wayne, new. 00:39:07
Right. That's the best you're going to find anywhere in port we need. 00:39:12
Is that very? 00:39:15
Objective statements. No. Subjective, right? I say that because I just ate them and I found it delicious. Wanna go on record as 00:39:18
that? Right? So that so So there's only one right way. Here's the challenge. 00:39:24
Is there have you met somebody who has a non confrontational paradigm? 00:39:31
Might you have a non confrontational paradigm? 00:39:36
Yes. 00:39:39
We can all know somebody or we might have one on different context et cetera, but non confrontational paradigms are so common. 00:39:40
So common. 00:39:48
That's Umm. 00:39:50
I would say. 00:39:52
Half the time, when we get called to be professional wedge removers, when we're not going to be training, we're actually 00:39:54
identifying what the behaviors are that are driving the wedges. 00:39:58
And we're trying to eliminate those behaviors with our clients so that they don't continue to have the conflict. 00:40:02
And the wedges and the dysfunction that leads you, right. And so the one of the most companies you run into is. 00:40:07
Leaders with non confrontational paradise who are not willing able. 00:40:14
For once. 00:40:18
To have critical conversations. Some might call them crucial conversation. 00:40:20
Right. 00:40:23
And So what happens? 00:40:24
The stuff just keeps happening. Nothing happens. That's right. And so there's only one right way to do that and let's say half of 00:40:26
our council. 00:40:29
Have non confrontational paradigms. 00:40:33
Have we had a chilling effect on further debate when we say things like that? 00:40:36
If you say, hey, there's only one right way to do this. 00:40:41
Then those people with non confrontational paradigms are going to be like. 00:40:43
If I say what I was going to say now, it's going to be the opposite. I don't agree with it, so. 00:40:47
I guess I'm not going to say anything. 00:40:54
Because they don't want to be confrontation. 00:40:56
It has an absolute chilling effect on dialogue, on discussion. 00:40:58
If we have that world that we live in and some people like, well, it's not my fault if other people don't come prepared or you 00:41:02
fight their corner. 00:41:05
Because I had somebody say that to you, Professor. 00:41:08
Say that to me, and for a faculty meeting where he's having a chilling effect, it's about 27 members of the faculty. 00:41:11
Half of them are junior faculty, non tenure. 00:41:17
And so of course they're not going to talk to a full professor and resist them, you know, because they disagree with them. So it's 00:41:20
an absolutely chilling effect, and that's great. 00:41:24
And so the challenge lies within this. Are we here to discharge our duties and responsibilities, the member in the best interest 00:41:29
of the public? 00:41:33
And if we are, then we shouldn't be projecting our paradigm as if it's universal truth. 00:41:38
Right, because it has a chilling effect. 00:41:43
In those situations, so you may not be clear, Queen behaves, but sometimes it sneaks up on us. 00:41:45
And we act like it. When we engage in that way, what happens? Here's the Fire Protection. In a minute I'm going to stop talking 00:41:51
and have you do something for me. But here's the effect of paradigms Collider, a wedge driven into the relationship. 00:41:57
OK, so these paradigms for life and if it's bad conflicts, the byproducts are wedges. 00:42:04
Right. They could be romantic relationships in their life. 00:42:10
When your paradigm collides with your significant other and it's not healthy conflicts. 00:42:14
You know it's not. Hey, let's agree to disagree, right? And move on. It's no, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Right booms. A wedge 00:42:18
is a byproduct of the bad conflicts. 00:42:24
Now whether driven into relationships. 00:42:30
Will this destroy a relationship? 00:42:32
We've seen them destroy public works departments. 00:42:35
We've seen them destroy police departments. 00:42:38
No department right is in any way excluded from this statement that we're making. We've worked with all of them, not just in 00:42:41
California but across the country as we do this. 00:42:46
And so wedges. 00:42:52
Will destroy a romantic relationship. 00:42:53
Where does, if allowed to exist, will destroy your relationship with your children. 00:42:57
With your siblings. 00:43:03
Right. It will destroy any relationship and it's all the result of your paradigm colliding and somebody. 00:43:05
Not recognizing what's happening or both not recognized. 00:43:11
When it can be removed and that's we're about to talk about. 00:43:15
And they're real. 00:43:18
Real destroyer, but they can be fixed. 00:43:19
Now let's back up for a minute and say can we all agree that conflict will always happen? 00:43:23
That should be the bumper sticker, not Crap. Happens, right? I clean that up a little bit. 00:43:28
But but when this happened. 00:43:33
Conflict will always happen, will always happen. 00:43:35
But some conflict is good. 00:43:39
Like you discussing things up on the device, right, and your role as a governance team and you're saying, hey, we need to be 00:43:42
mindful of the impact us spending this money is going to have on our ability to even consider future decisions in this area? 00:43:49
Because of XYZ right? As we project out, as our staff has done such a good job, our budget then is just going like this. And by 00:43:56
here we have no more decisions. So if this doesn't work, we have. 00:44:02
That's a good thing to say. It's a good thing to alert the rest of the team too, if you haven't already considered that. 00:44:07
Right. And then somebody else shares at center, we go back and forth. 00:44:12
That kind of debate is good conflict because it leads to well informed decisions. 00:44:16
Well informed decisions. 00:44:21
But when we choose to project our paradigms as if because I believe this. 00:44:23
And you're not agreeing with me? 00:44:29
You don't understand it. 00:44:33
That is the challenge. Therein lies the biggest challenge when we project our paradigm as if it's universal truth, when in fact 00:44:35
it's just. 00:44:39
A well reasoned opinion on our part. 00:44:43
And we can't understand why other people don't agree with us. 00:44:45
Right. 00:44:48
Therein lies one of the great challenges for the paradox. 00:44:49
Because we feel so well placed. 00:44:52
And our intent? 00:44:54
Which is the best thing for the city? 00:44:55
We still feel so well placed in our motivation. 00:44:57
Which is to achieve an outcome that's palatable and good for all of us. 00:45:01
We feel so well positioned here. It's not going that way. 00:45:05
It's problematic. 00:45:08
Right. It's because of these paradigms. So when the conflict happens and it advances methodology, it advances. Know how it 00:45:10
advances our understanding. That's great. Conflicts. 00:45:15
Right. So good that those last 50 years. 00:45:21
Of the 20th century, 1950 to 2000. 00:45:25
The advances in medicine were so great. 00:45:28
That the actuaries would study, you know, a number of factors in our lives and the life and benefits actuary. 00:45:31
Life and casualty actuaries. 00:45:38
They said in the year 2000. 00:45:40
People born in the year 2000 are going to live to be 120 years. 00:45:43
What was the major assumption in that statement? 00:45:49
If we have the same quality and percentage of advancements in medicine that we have from 1950 to 2000, from 2000 to 2050, people 00:45:52
born in the year 2000 are going to live to be 120. So that remains to be seen. We'll have almost that way through that number, 00:46:00
right. And we have made some great advances on if you don't watch the news on those. So what does it all come down? 00:46:07
These paradigms, right? And how do we get to some of the conflict that's most challenging, but illustrate a little bit more? 00:46:15
When there's you know you're working shoulder to shoulder as a governance team, that's great with these wedges, push them apart. 00:46:21
Right. What happens? We lose control of our hypersensitive radar. 00:46:28
What is that 1% brighter? We needed a visual. So there it is, right? There's your hypersensitive radar popping out of your head. 00:46:34
When does it come out normally? Normally it just comes out when somebody touches on a subject that's near and dear to your heart. 00:46:41
Right. Like somebody just trying to. It's like, well, we have the worst education system in the world. 00:46:48
Right, all of a sudden boom. 00:46:53
Our good mayor as a professional educator is greater because what are you talking about? We have an excellent system. Not 00:46:56
everybody executes it the right way or the same way, but it's an excellent system than that, right? So his radar came up for me. 00:47:01
It was anytime when my kids were younger, even still. 00:47:07
If you were to say something about my children, boom, right? Come on, what did you just say about my son? Right? What did you just 00:47:12
say about his basketball skills? 00:47:16
I know he sucks, but that's for me to say, not you. 00:47:21
And that radar just comes out. It does. And I'm so protective and they were little. 00:47:25
So we all have. 00:47:30
Here's the challenge when you go like first wedge. 00:47:31
Right. That's not going to destroy you. 00:47:34
If you get, you're going to get wedges, right? Workplace relationships, romantic relationships. You get a wedgie day. 00:47:37
Right. As long as you address them, you're fine. 00:47:43
Right. It's totally fine. 00:47:46
One day, my wife came home with chunky peanut butter. Yeah, what's that about, right? What is that about? 00:47:48
And so I'm like, hey, you know, I like that Jeff Skippy doesn't matter the brand, but it's got to be creamy and smooth, right? 00:47:54
She's like ohh, no, we've had that for years. Now let's just try this one. 00:47:59
And of course, my rigid paradigm was very much not having it made a sandwich in front of her. This is awful. 00:48:04
There's a web. You can survive that wedge. You can absolutely survive that wedge. It's just one little wedge, but then if you 00:48:12
leave it unattended, a second wedge. 00:48:16
Talking about, you know, whether or not we should refinance our house big winch right there, right? And then what about this one 00:48:21
and that one, then next thing you know, disconnect. 00:48:26
And we lose control of the hypersensitive radar. 00:48:31
So if we had too many little wedges happen. 00:48:34
Amongst the governance team. 00:48:37
That we get to this point and we lose control of the hypersensitive. Rather, next thing you know, as soon as you walk in, my radar 00:48:40
pops up. 00:48:43
Soon as you walk in, maybe my wedge is with Martha. 00:48:47
I can't picture having a wedge with Martha, but there it is, right? We have this discount. 00:48:50
And so over here, talking to the four of you, we're waiting for her to arrive. Hey, Stephen, how's it going? Misty? What's going 00:48:54
on? 00:48:56
And then all of a sudden I start telling the story in the middle of it, and Martha wants it. 00:49:00
All right. I guess we get started, right? And there it is. It has an almost a physical manifestation. 00:49:07
Right, honest. So it's challenging because then what happens? 00:49:14
Everything that Martha says. 00:49:18
I'm going to be making negative subject and if you have the worst possible outs. 00:49:21
And she gives the greatest suggestion. 00:49:26
On an agenda item right here it is. But. And it was like, Oh my gosh, that's a great idea. Everyone's leaning forward to see it. 00:49:28
Wow, that was so smart, well done, right kind of thing. And I'm like. 00:49:33
Kiss. 00:49:41
What a glory hound. 00:49:44
Right. I was. I would have said that too. You know, I'm not going to give her any benefit because I've lost control of this, 00:49:45
because of that disconnect. A little bit snuck up on us. 00:49:50
Right now she's doing fine, but too many times. 00:49:56
Right. This happened and this wedge has happened. I know. You gotta chill it out over there, yeah. 00:49:59
This is a real thing, right? Real challenges like this happen. 00:50:05
It had happened on the governance scene. It could happen in a romantic relationship. 00:50:09
It happened with siblings. 00:50:12
I meet people all the time, haven't spoken to their siblings in a decade, 2 decades. 00:50:14
And I, you know, I have this little sickness and I'm meeting somebody and say James and I went to lunch with the first time you 00:50:19
haven't talked to my sister in like 15 years. 00:50:23
Inside I'm almost leaping for joy because I want to reverse engineer. So what happened there? 00:50:28
You know, and then I want to figure out, was it a bunch of little wedges that happened or was it one major wedge where, you know, 00:50:34
she, he told she told the parents on him when he got it out of that. 00:50:39
You know, and found that weed in his drawer. You know, kind of thing, right? 00:50:44
I don't know. Seemed to fit James. 00:50:50
So right, I want to reverse engineer because it's always going to be widgets. 00:50:53
It's always going to be widgets. 00:50:57
Right. And this metaphor. 00:50:59
The wedge A simple metaphor for improving every relationship in your life. 00:51:01
People who are excellent wedge removers. 00:51:06
Are excellent human interactors. 00:51:09
I promise you this little bit, you will have that tool in your tool belt. 00:51:12
And you'll be able to remove wedges if you want to. 00:51:17
And if the other person. 00:51:19
Wants to. Also, you can't remove wedges from one side. 00:51:21
It's just not possible. 00:51:24
Right. We've we've tried in many ways to figure that one out. It just doesn't work. 00:51:26
We've been doing this wedge thing now for a little over about 17 years. 00:51:30
And we've just never been able to find a way where one side can remove that way. So what happens then after this is that, you 00:51:34
know, we get to the the terrible 3 words that happened. 00:51:39
Right. Dysfunction, disharmony, dissension, discord. You know, departure the terrible one despairs are terrible one, but all the 00:51:44
terrible G words are the results. 00:51:49
Right of too many wedges driving us apart in that situation, so. 00:51:54
Right departure. 00:51:58
You have a really good employee working for the city of Port Winema who says you know what? Because there's maybe, you know, too 00:52:00
many wedges and what we call toxicity right in the Police Department. 00:52:05
And then employees that could Good employee. We don't want to lose him or her. And they're like, you know what? I can go do my 00:52:11
work elsewhere. I can take my line, my, my skills and abilities to Oxnard. 00:52:16
To Camarillo. 00:52:21
Right. And they leave. 00:52:22
Not because they want to, but because it's just too toxic here. That is a terrible byproduct of wedges. It really is despair, 00:52:24
defined as the loss of hope. 00:52:28
And what happens when you lose hope? You don't want to get up in the morning. 00:52:33
Right. It's followed by depression and other such feelings, and so weapons are horrible. 00:52:37
They're horrible. 00:52:43
And so here's the question I have for you. What is the number one obstacle to removing wedges? 00:52:44
Now, I want you to take a minute since I've been going on and on. Talk to your neighbor. Couple people over here, we can talk to 00:52:50
each other too, too. Then you 2 and I'll talk to George Young, right? What do you think are the reasons why we don't remove 00:52:55
wedges? 00:52:59
Right. That's the question. Why don't we remove these wedges? 00:53:04
They're not good for us. 00:53:07
They don't help us, so why don't we remove that the assignment? 00:53:09
Ready. Go. 00:53:12
Everything. 00:53:14
I don't like the guy. 00:53:17
So we get a lot. 00:53:22
I think. 00:53:25
Although my boss. 00:53:29
That's basically. 00:53:31
So I. 00:53:45
That was like my. 00:53:49
This is what happened. 00:53:58
Speaking. 00:54:02
Yeah, yeah. 00:54:05
Houses. They're not talking about people that don't. 00:54:08
I guess like along those lines and things like that. 00:54:15
Right. 00:54:19
Father. 00:54:24
60. 00:54:27
Yeah. 00:54:33
Like I have. 00:54:41
Thanks. 00:54:43
For the, for the. 00:54:48
So much. 00:54:58
That we get the payments. 00:55:03
That's what I want. 00:55:05
Government. 00:55:06
It's really good. 00:55:09
Well, I guess that question is. 00:55:11
That's why you need to get through the guy. That's obvious. 00:55:14
One, just in the interest of time coming back. 00:55:18
I know you've had at least one, right? So let's play Family Feud. 00:55:22
Top five answers on the board. 00:55:26
What are the answers? 00:55:29
What do you think? Who wants to volunteer? 00:55:31
What are some of the reasons we don't remove wedges? 00:55:33
Yeah. 00:55:36
Ego. 00:55:38
Right. What's another word for ego? Ego. 00:55:39
He fell about so. 00:55:45
Yeah, you know, you guys got it right up. Personal pride. 00:55:47
Right. We don't think we have a pitch. We don't have a problem here. You're just not seeing this the right way. If you drop your 00:55:52
paradigm, put on my spare paradigm, then you'll see it when I like to call it the right way. 00:55:59
It's amazing to me how quick people figure that out that. 00:56:06
You know, personal pride. The challenge of personal pride also is as I go through the steps to remove a wedge in a minute. 00:56:10
And those chairs are hard. I do intend to give you a break in a minute to get up and move around and off those chairs. 00:56:18
It is hard for us to take the very important step to remove a wedge. 00:56:26
Which of these keywords Are you ready? 00:56:30
I'm sorry. 00:56:33
That's like a jagged little pill for so many people to swallow. 00:56:36
Right, I am sorry. 00:56:40
It's so tough. I mean, that's an important part of removing wedges. It's just four little steps to remove wedges. 00:56:42
Right. And it can alter. 00:56:48
The trajectory of a relationship. 00:56:50
Workplace. 00:56:53
Romantic sibling? All of those. What other reasons, though, Don't we remove wedges besides those that we heard? 00:56:55
Anyway. 00:57:01
Fear. Fear. 00:57:02
Right. We make an effort. I go to my colleague, right, etcetera. And I'm like, hey, can we sit down and talk and about this wedge? 00:57:03
What are you talking about? 00:57:11
I don't have time to hold hands and sing kumbaya with you, you know, light a candle and do whatever. I don't have time for that. 00:57:12
Right. You just handle your business. I'll handle mine, and it gets worse afterward. 00:57:19
Fear of retribution, Retaliation, right? Things like that. Fear, fear, fear, fear. That is a huge reason. If pride is number one, 00:57:24
I would say fear is #2. 00:57:28
On our family, if you get so we're doing well, You have it on the tip of your tongue. 00:57:33
What is anger and frustration? 00:57:38
Ohh, you had two on the tip of your tongue. Anger and frustration. 00:57:40
Ohh, my gosh, definitely. When you are mad, it's your vision, often impaired. Can you see straight when you were mad? Depends on 00:57:45
the level of anger, right? But for the most part, you're not always seeing it in the best light. 00:57:51
Or the most productive life, right? And it impairs our judgment. 00:57:58
What's What did you have? Did you guys come up with one that we had covered? 00:58:02
Why don't we move? 00:58:06
Ernest stubbornness. 00:58:11
I like the word. It's Spanish better. 00:58:15
Stubborn. 00:58:17
You know. 00:58:20
Very cool. 00:58:22
Can almost be a nickname right on the back of my jersey, right? Yeah. Stubborn. That is a tremendous reason why so many wedges 00:58:23
don't get removed. 00:58:28
We become this immovable force. 00:58:33
That feels like, hey, if we give on this. 00:58:35
That is a sign of weakness. 00:58:38
Right. And it doesn't happen. 00:58:40
And I say to you, what is the cost of that? 00:58:42
What is the cost of this thing? Where we need to be right? 00:58:46
About things. 00:58:50
It is an immense cost, It really is. So we run it on a postage. Dear humankind, if you want a happy and harmonious relationship, 00:58:52
you're going to have to give up your insistence on being rights, sincerity, humility. 00:58:58
Absolutely 100% accurate. 00:59:06
Now is there right or wrong? I'm not a person who believes in worlds of bunch of Shades of Grey. I do believe there is right or 00:59:10
wrong. I don't want you to mistake my my message for that there is right and wrong. But how many decisions do we make that are 00:59:17
moral compass driven in our paradox? Not many, not many. But we're talking about, you know, embezzling money and violating, you 00:59:24
know, particular government codes in the state of California, me and my fellow finance employees. 00:59:32
For the city of Portland, you mean there's a moral compass decision right there whether or not we commit right? Some violation of 00:59:39
the law that would cause us imprisonment, a fine, or both? 00:59:45
Right under various sections of our government. 00:59:51
And our Penal Code that go with that hand in hand. So there are some moral decisions that have. 00:59:54
And for some of you. 00:59:59
In this role, I'm looking at my 5 council members. 01:00:01
For some of you. 01:00:04
Much of what you're doing has a moral imperative. 01:00:06
But that could just be your paradigm influencing it that way, so be mindful of that. Do some introspective analysis. 01:00:10
On those to whether or not, you know, whether or not we paint the swing sets red or blue and the new park that's being developed, 01:00:17
we order them in a particular color is a moral imperative or not? Because I have met council members that believe that it is. 01:00:24
Because red was the color of courage. 01:00:31
And yellow is the color of cowardice, right. And so it would. Is that a personal paradigm projection? Yeah, absolutely, 01:00:34
absolutely. And it became a sticking point. 01:00:39
Right. With that particular group, not, not on a huge subject, but enough where you know they didn't. They wanted unanimity here 01:00:44
because it was. 01:00:48
And this is a great thing, building a new and incredible park in the city, right, that they were doing. So being my versus being 01:00:52
happy when the last thought on here then I'm going to give you a little time off. 01:00:57
When I was in my 20s and early 30s. 01:01:03
Being right. 01:01:06
Was like my man from heaven. I felt the need to be right. 01:01:08
And I started law school at the age of 27, which was the average age of our class coming in. Some were younger, some were older. 01:01:12
And umm. 01:01:22
It was like the beehive. 01:01:24
For people who needed to be right, I went to UCLA Law school, was a great experience, great classmates. 01:01:26
Great faculty etcetera. 01:01:32
But you realized everybody. 01:01:34
Wanted to be right and we could slam the table and prove we were rights right in any given situation, even if we didn't believe 01:01:36
it. 01:01:40
Right. It was like the the, the nest for all these people. And it carried over into my personal life. And I'd go have a hot dog 01:01:43
with my buddy, you know, Steven, over at the port where we work. And you know, he'd say something and I'm like, well, you want to 01:01:48
take the opposite view here? 01:01:53
Just to have this sort of give and take right this debate, if you, because I like the debate. 01:01:58
And he'd say X. And I said no, it's why? He said why do you say it's why? And I give him a very good answer. 01:02:04
Right, because that's what I did, he said. It's X, and here's why. 01:02:08
And so forth. And we go back and forth. And by the time we were done, somebody else had joined him on his side, right. And it's 01:02:13
just me and somebody else doing this, three of them and me. And at the end of it, I'm like, OK, OK, I agree with you guys, right? 01:02:17
I agree with you. 01:02:21
You know, I just mess with you. I don't believe why I believe X. But we're good, right? Let's get another hot dog. And they're all 01:02:25
human and mad and everything. Hot dog. I don't even wanna look at you right now, but I was not emotionally attached to it. 01:02:32
I just wanted to see if I could be right on something I did and it was a ridiculous game that I continued. 01:02:38
Until some person gave me this. 01:02:44
Critical feedback. 01:02:46
And they looked me in the eye. I said, you know what it was after one of these debates at A at a gathering we were at? And I was 01:02:48
like, hey, let's go try some more of that. 01:02:51
I'm not gonna try anything with you. You know what? You're on. 01:02:55
And it went something like a some other letters and then whole, right. 01:02:59
And they looked me in the eye and this person I respected and they called me an A hole. 01:03:06
Right in that situation. 01:03:10
And it was a time in my life, about 3334. 01:03:12
Where I started to realize that maybe there was more to this. 01:03:16
External perception of me. 01:03:20
That wasn't aligned with my perception of how I was viewed externally. 01:03:23
And that's what it was, right? And it was the beginning of my awakening. It was my epiphany. Right. Given to me that on. All 01:03:27
right. Sorry. Yeah. It's funny. You're an attorney. And then. 01:03:32
You know, there's a lot of time around journeys and one of the things that I quite fascinating is. 01:03:38
Handling the case and you go to trial and and you know the case. 01:03:45
Be in an accident that I was there on day one and I through the whole recovery and all the way through and then we find ourselves 01:03:49
in trial and I'm sitting there and listening to the other side, the attorney, I'm like. 01:03:55
And I know the facts. 01:04:00
That sounds pretty good. 01:04:02
Occurred to me and so it's it's, it's, it's. 01:04:05
It's amazing how. 01:04:09
Two sides can make arguments that sounds so good, and then you have to you have to decide one or the other and and I think that's 01:04:11
you know. 01:04:15
Real. 01:04:20
Fascinating when when you get into decision making, it's like, OK, how are we? 01:04:21
Going to make a decision. 01:04:26
Factually and then. 01:04:28
Throughout the lunch with the the opposing Yeah, I mean. 01:04:29
It's getting harder and harder all the time because everybody. 01:04:33
Doesn't everybody wants to turn any disagreements into an adversarial relationship? We talked about that last time. 01:04:37
And it doesn't have to be that way. It's tough because our our national and international leaders are giving us that example. If 01:04:44
you don't agree with me, you are my enemy. 01:04:49
Right. And and I see that with what we call, you know, the aisle in Washington, it used to be you could be on the other side of 01:04:54
the aisle and be best friends. 01:04:57
Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch could not find two more opposite people. 01:05:01
And they were the best of friends outside of the Chambers. 01:05:05
Right. They were power. You couldn't do that today, not in 2023. You will get that new verb that we took from an A noun. You will 01:05:09
get primaried, right? And you will not even be able to stand in the general election because they will knock you out in primary 01:05:16
because you're consorting with the enemy, if you will, very challenged. So it's a tough world we live, and it is, but. 01:05:23
We don't have to be the wedge creators. When we come back, we'll talk about it right This this question then give you the solution 01:05:30
for how to remove wedges and pivot over into communication and self-awareness. I have four O 7 on my watch. 01:05:36
So let's take. 01:05:42
5 minutes enough. Yeah, let's take 5 minutes and then we'll come back and pick it up where we left. 01:05:44
Speaker. 01:05:50
Like this? 01:05:58
All right. Do you? 01:12:23
Do you all know? 01:12:24
Are Cal DAPI a staff member who's here today? And no, I'll take a moment to Tony. Would you introduce yourself to the to the group 01:12:28
if you don't mind for a moment? I know everyone. 01:12:34
Nearest Manager at the California J PIA Networks. 01:12:42
The standard. 01:12:45
Hello. Nice to meet you. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you for making the long drive. 01:12:48
Yeah, mine wasn't long. I think I stayed. I stayed in Moorpark last night. So not far, not far. 01:12:53
Appreciate the journey the supports. 01:12:59
By all of it from. 01:13:02
LJP, I said it before. 01:13:03
And it's just a. 01:13:06
A pool that just has so much expertise and so many areas. 01:13:08
Of local governments. 01:13:13
Right. And I don't have to tell Steven because he's on the board and he sees the staff over there. 01:13:14
And how capable they are and all that they have done and will do. 01:13:19
You know. 01:13:23
With regard to supporting you and the things that you need. 01:13:24
So you know if if something is ever needed, by all means contact James and saying wondering about this. 01:13:27
You know, does. Especially as a collective. If you're looking to add things to an agenda, you know. 01:13:34
James, I know that the JPIA has XY and ZI. Wonder if they might give us something that'd be a good place to start. And if they 01:13:42
don't, they'll find some. 01:13:45
They found me. 01:13:50
That was meant to get a laugh. Thank you for living. 01:13:52
But. 01:13:56
So anyway, thank you Tony for being here. We appreciate that very much. All right. So continuing on, right, we've answered these 01:13:58
questions to our little Stephen are wedded really, but I wanted to see a show of hands. 01:14:04
How many of you? 01:14:10
Have experienced what I'm calling a wedge in You're not at work or this government figure, but life in general. How many of you 01:14:12
have experienced the wedge but show it ends? 01:14:16
Everybody would change and Georgiana, right? 01:14:21
I was going to say if you're not raising your hand, you're probably the wedge creative. That's not too bad. So so wedges are real. 01:14:26
And they destroy things, right. So we answered this question earlier. We know they don't improve relationship now some people say, 01:14:36
well, wait a minute, if they force you to address the witch, yeah, wedge removal, improved relationship, but. 01:14:42
Right. Not the wedge itself. It creates things that go the opposite. When my wife and I have a wedge early in our relationship, 01:14:49
what would happen? Silent treatment. 01:14:53
Right. The exact opposite of what was needed to remove a wedge, which is communication, right. And so sidetracked. That's 01:14:59
everybody. 01:15:03
Why do you bother to continue? We played that game and you got it right off. Ego, personal pride, fear, right. Others would 01:15:07
include, we don't know how we don't have that tool in our tool belt. Others might include the absolute fear of everything 01:15:14
associated with it and still others include. I just don't have time, Jerry, I'm a busy city engineer. I don't have time to address 01:15:22
all these wedges etcetera, right. Lot of these, we don't remove them and so you just allow them to continue. 01:15:29
That are challenging. 01:15:37
So here we go. Here's the wedge removal process. And again. 01:15:38
This slide deck is downloaded onto that computer. This computer. 01:15:42
That is with the city to city computer. 01:15:46
So then you have it, and if you if you forever reason it. 01:15:50
Deletes itself. I'll e-mail it to you again and there's a handout we could give you also with some of the separate coming out 01:15:53
today. So first required period I'm going to give you all have a paradigm and its influence is pretty well. I love JK Roll. 01:15:59
Right. If you have adult children, you need to remember the statement right here, right? 01:16:06
There is an expiration date on blaming your parents for your current pending. 01:16:11
If you have small children, I hope you will embrace this into your parenting philosophy. 01:16:15
Because I believe we should be teaching this. 01:16:21
To our offspring. 01:16:24
Right to our legacy. Right now I have 4 grandkids 8/6. 01:16:26
Three and not quite a year. 01:16:31
And I believe that I will be influencing them with this bit of information as they start to get a little older, certainly the 86 01:16:34
year old. We already talked about accountability. 01:16:38
Personal accountability. 01:16:43
And the truth is. 01:16:46
This is one of the characteristics. 01:16:47
Of the happiest people I know. 01:16:50
They don't deflect. 01:16:52
They own it, they lean into it, mistakes or anything else that happened. 01:16:54
Right, there's an expiration date on blaming your parents for your current condition. What would that look like? 01:16:59
My wife is upset with me because I'm not willing to unload the dishwasher, go down to the laundry room and fix that situation, 01:17:04
whatever it is. 01:17:08
And in fact, I look her in the eye and deflect and I say, honey, you're not really mad at me. 01:17:12
You're mad at my mother for how she raising and so quickly on it means all her and yell at her, right? 01:17:17
Let's still be married if I'd done that. Thank you, Becky, for the laugh on that one, right? No, I wouldn't. 01:17:23
Right. I had to own it eventually. And I did. She made it very clear to me. 01:17:28
You know. 01:17:34
She's a very no nonsense woman and she married her opposite. I have nothing but nonsense. So. So she said to me, If you think 01:17:35
we're going to get home from work. 01:17:41
I'm gonna run around with my like a chicken with my head cut off. 01:17:48
With all these kids, because we had decided. 01:17:51
We wanted five kids. We knew that we wanted a big family. She grew up with one brother. I grew up with one brother. We wanted a 01:17:54
large family, so five seemed to be a good number. 01:17:58
I'm gonna be running around like a chicken with my head cut off and you're gonna kick your heels up and watch your game. You're 01:18:02
crazy. 01:18:05
That is never going to happen. 01:18:08
We will not be having any children if you think that's how the division of Labor is going to go. 01:18:10
And in my head, in my paradigm, I thought. 01:18:14
Ohh my gosh this is so wrong. 01:18:17
I was Mexican when she married me. It's not my fault. She did not do her due diligence before she entered into this transaction. 01:18:20
You knew what you were getting. 01:18:29
Buyer beware, Misty. That's right, right. And so that's was my thinking at the time and I realized horse looking back. 01:18:32
How? 01:18:39
Paradigm centric, that really was. 01:18:41
And how paradigm projecting it would become. And then how just ridiculous it would sound in the end. Because though it was the 01:18:44
paradigm I grew up with and still exist in my extended family. 01:18:49
With people who grew up with paradigms that were similar, like all of my cousins, a lot of my cousins. I can't say ohh, that's too 01:18:55
broad a statement, but with a lot of my family in general. 01:18:59
Where one person who was of Hispanic ancestry and another one who was of Hispanic ancestry, and we're familiar with this paradigm, 01:19:04
it carried on without any challenges or anything else with it, right? Not in every case, but in many cases. 01:19:10
In mind, there was no hope for it whatsoever with the non Latino wife or non Chinese wife. Many Chinese can also have this 01:19:17
paradigm or aged S Asians who have this distribution of domestic labor and many cases. 01:19:23
So my point with it all is simply this. 01:19:30
The collection doesn't work. I had to own it, and I had to decide. I wanted to change my paradigm because I wanted to stay married 01:19:33
to this incredible woman. 01:19:37
Do you want to be a part of an effective governance team? 01:19:41
Yes. 01:19:44
So the decision has to be made. 01:19:45
Right by each of you ongoing. I'm not suggesting it hasn't, but it has to keep being made. 01:19:48
I want to be part of an effective governance team, so I am not going to be projecting my paradigm. 01:19:53
I'm not gonna act like in my paradigm all the rules we've talked about today or last month. 01:19:59
Don't apply to me. 01:20:05
Right. I am going to adhere to our rules of conduct that we have documented, et cetera. And so I'm gonna own it when those moments 01:20:07
happen where my paradigm gets in the way and we're going to get to this four steps to paradigm and move to wedge removal in this 01:20:14
situation. Now the good news is the earlier you identify a wedge. 01:20:21
The quicker and easier it is to remove. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's quicker and easier. 01:20:29
Right. But here's where it goes, number one, right. Drop your paradigm, #2 provide closure, #3 bill structure so we don't have the 01:20:35
same wedge over and over. And #4 let it go. 01:20:40
Right before we're looking. So first we'll drop your paragraph. So I'm going to continue. Georgiana, with that, we have a witch. 01:20:46
She's in the city clerk's office. 01:20:50
I'm supporting as an analyst the city manager's office. 01:20:54
And so we have to interact quite a bit if we work on agendas, we work on a number of things and I feel like. 01:20:59
She keeps overstepping her bounds. She's not staying in her lane on a couple things, and maybe I don't in mind sometimes, but the 01:21:05
truth is she's way worse than I am. 01:21:10
In our paradox. And so we have this thing right? And it's created a little wedges. First I'm like, OK, I'll let it go. And then 01:21:16
she's like, OK, I'll let it go, right. And these little wedges kept happening. And one day we woke up six months into the 01:21:21
relationship and every time we see each other. 01:21:27
Those hypersensitive radars come out and we don't give each other the benefit of the doubt. So now that we all speak this 01:21:33
language, paradigms. 01:21:37
What is right? Bad conflict, etcetera. 01:21:42
Here's how it would work in real life. 01:21:46
Right. I see, George. And I'm like, hey, you know what? 01:21:48
Thinking about this yesterday, I'm talking to my wife about this tension that we've had between us lately. And I realized, you 01:21:51
know what? We got a wedge. We need to get it out. 01:21:55
We all speak the language. We know what happened. Our paradox delighted probably multiple times. Throw in little wedges in that 01:22:01
the disconnect and now we have this tension between US and some dysfunction and some disharmony. 01:22:06
We don't have to go into each other. I don't have to do it this way. Hey, I don't know if you've noticed, but we've had this 01:22:12
palpable tension and I don't know if you understand where it's coming from. Hey, I think we got a wedge. Doesn't that shorten the 01:22:16
conversation quite a bit? Hey, Tony, I think we have a wedge. 01:22:21
Right, my fellow risk manager. 01:22:25
Right. Her mother is manager, it's taken I think we got a wedge right, etcetera and so. 01:22:28
What I would say. Then she goes, oh, yeah, You know what? I think you're right. I think we both know that's the case. So great. Do 01:22:33
you have some time? Right now? She's like, actually doing. I'm going into a meeting with a couple of department heads, but I'm 01:22:38
available this afternoon. Me too. Me too. How about 2:00? O'clock your office? 01:22:43
Right, because I have a cubicle, so it just makes more sense to go to her office and do this, right? So OK, 2:00 o'clock and I 01:22:49
show up at her office. 01:22:52
And I sit down and we're ready for step one. 01:22:56
All right. And it's OK to speak openly about it, right? Because we know what the steps are. Hey, Georgina, let's both drop our 01:22:59
ceramics. 01:23:01
So we really hear each other. Let's both drop our parents so they don't get in the way. 01:23:05
Let's try to get this wedge out non efficient way. 01:23:09
It's absolutely OK to do that. Use the hand gestures, right? Like those old mask jeeps where the windshield went down, right? Hey, 01:23:11
let's both drop our paradox, right, and talk to each other. OK, so she dropped her as I dropped mine. Why? Because it allows us to 01:23:16
lift in. 01:23:21
To understand. 01:23:27
Too many times we listen like lawyers and we listen to response. 01:23:29
When really we should be listening to understand one another. 01:23:34
Right. When we have that ability. So what what more can we say in the context of the time frame we have today? I'll just say this 01:23:40
because there may be some other things I cover in a bit. 01:23:44
Stephen Covey's 1989 book. 01:23:49
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. 01:23:52
Right. It's always going to be on the bookshelf. It's just that good. 01:23:55
And here we are 24 years later, and it's still that good 1/4 of a century later. 01:23:58
Habit #5. 01:24:03
Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Copies trying to tell us. Don't be so quick to diagnose a solution when you 01:24:05
haven't taken a striker. Don't be so quick to prescribe a solution when you haven't taken the time to diagnose what the problem 01:24:10
is. 01:24:16
And you can only diagnose that problem. 01:24:22
If you listen to understand, seek first to understand, then to be understood. We all want to be understood. We emphasize that. But 01:24:25
are we listening? 01:24:29
And the only way to really listen, to understand is dropping that paradigm. 01:24:34
They're like drop your paradigm. It's like, ohh my gosh. 01:24:39
There's a whole nother world out here. 01:24:43
Right, that isn't framed within my value system at all, and so drop your parent and listen to understands. 01:24:45
And so our George Jones will drop our paradigm so we can, you know, maybe get this more efficiently. No problem, she says. 01:24:54
And then I share with her, because I'm the one who initiated the dialogue. I'm like, so it feels like every time we're assigned a 01:25:00
project where we need to work together. 01:25:05
You know, we make an agreement about who's going to do what and half the time I turn around and your team is already working on 01:25:10
something. 01:25:13
And then it feels like we've wasted our time, or been spinning our wheels, or have all this duplicative work, and it feels very 01:25:16
inefficient. 01:25:19
And that really feels like, you know, you or your team don't respect our times. So I just go on there and that. And she dropped 01:25:23
her paradigm and she's listening to understand because if she left her parent, I'm up. 01:25:28
She'd be processing all my concerns through her paradigm. 01:25:34
And she'd be like, OK, that's that's stupid. So we'll dismiss that one. This one, OK, I'll listen to that one. Another dumb one, 01:25:38
right? She's filtering. She's filtering. But if you drop your paradigm. 01:25:44
You're just genuinely listening to understand, and you all have a totally separate radar. 01:25:50
Each one of you has one. 01:25:55
Where you know when something's listening to you. 01:25:57
And you know when someone's not paying attention to you at all. 01:25:59
Right. Or just in and out. 01:26:03
You have that ability. We all do. 01:26:05
And so, for the most part, good things happen. If all you can master is step one, good things will happen. Because I'll feel like, 01:26:07
hey, you know what? Regardless of what happens. 01:26:12
She genuinely listened to me and heard me. 01:26:16
Many times you can listen without hearing. 01:26:20
But she heard me. 01:26:22
That feels great. It makes me feel important and valued. 01:26:24
Right. And this band. 01:26:27
What's that? 01:26:29
Yeah, give her a raise. 01:26:31
All right, so. 01:26:35
What happens then, when she hears me? 01:26:38
She takes some steps. She asked a couple of questions to clarify some active listening stuff when she does that. 01:26:40
And then she takes the important step too, and this one's on her. 01:26:45
She's either gonna provide recognition. 01:26:49
Acknowledgements. 01:26:52
Or validation, each being progressively better in my humble opinion. 01:26:53
Right. That's me projecting my paradigm a little bit when I say that. 01:26:58
But here's recognition. And if this is all the closure that someone can muster, please muster it right. 01:27:01
And she says to me. 01:27:07
Right, Jerry, based on everything you just shared with me. 01:27:09
I can see you're really obsessed. 01:27:13
And I am sorry about that. 01:27:15
Because I'm sorry. Words, right? Those are white pride gets in the way. Ego and stubbornness, right, All get in the way. But she 01:27:19
says here, based on what you just shared with me, I can see why you're really upset. 01:27:24
And I'm sorry about that. 01:27:29
Already what that what that does has a disarming effect, right? 01:27:31
Or I was maybe up here like this. I hear those words and all of a sudden like. 01:27:35
Softening in the face and the arms go down, right? That's just the reality of when someone gives you closure. 01:27:39
That's why when people don't have closure. 01:27:44
It is next to impossible to move on. 01:27:47
We underestimate the power of closure. And if recognition is all you can do, grades. But hey, she's going to try acknowledgements. 01:27:50
Which is recognition plus. 01:27:59
So she said. Jerry, based on what you just shared with me, I can see you're really upset. 01:28:01
And I can see that my action or my team's actions. 01:28:05
Have triggered a lot of that emotion. 01:28:09
And I'm really sorry about that. She took some ownership of being the trigger. 01:28:11
Can Georgiana or any of you make me feel anything? Can you make me feel something? No, you cannot. 01:28:16
It is a choice I make. 01:28:23
Right somewhere between data inputs. 01:28:25
And data output is a moment. 01:28:27
For me to choose if I'm going to let the emotions take control of me, you can trigger them, you can trigger them, but I decide if 01:28:30
I'm going to embrace them. 01:28:34
Right. And let the anger take over. 01:28:38
Right, going down the 405, right or whatever else. We always decide what we're feeling. 01:28:40
And so she acknowledged the trigger. Here I can see really upset and I can see that me or my team have triggered it like this and 01:28:46
I'm really sorry. 01:28:50
Ohh my gosh. Thank you. 01:28:55
You're you're amazing, right? Validation is the best one. 01:28:57
Because when somebody upsets us or triggers the upset, when somebody you know and it triggers whatever emotion we're going through 01:29:01
and we feel the trail, we feel stabbed in the back or whatever that is. 01:29:07
Internal debates. But then within ourselves, right, we have this debate. 01:29:16
Am I overreacting? 01:29:21
Am I making too much of this? 01:29:23
Only surely would have never meant it that way. 01:29:25
I'm sure Becky didn't mean to insult me, so I'm sure maybe you did. 01:29:27
That. 01:29:33
So only everybody deserve it. 01:29:35
Paradigm projection. Right there, right. And so, So what happens? The internal debate rages on and then run into my friend, you 01:29:40
know, Bobby around the corner, He said, what's going on? You seem like you're really. 01:29:45
Lost, I thought. Well, this just happened in the meeting. I was in there. I saw it. I thought the same thing. Man. She threw him 01:29:51
under the bus. Really. You saw it too? Oh my God. Thank you for that. Because it validated this, right? But she's going to give me 01:29:57
that right? You sit down and talk about everything. And then Georgianna said to me, You know what, Jerry? 01:30:03
I can see that you're really upset based on everything you just shared with me. 01:30:10
And I can see that me or my team triggered a lot of this if I were in your shoes. 01:30:14
I'd be feeling the same way, maybe even a little more angry. 01:30:19
Right. And I'm really sorry about that. 01:30:23
It's the part where that empathy play it right. If I were in your shoes, I'd be feeling the same way. Told me. God did. She just 01:30:26
told me I'm not crazy. 01:30:30
For thinking and reacting this way. 01:30:34
You were an amazing human being, Georgiana. Thank you. You get better by the minute in this room, right? So recognition, 01:30:37
acknowledgement or validation, We need one of them. 01:30:41
Or we cannot move to the next two steps, which is why Pride gets in the way. 01:30:46
Because we don't want to say the words. I'm sorry. 01:30:51
Right. And as I think of my my logic experience or some people. 01:30:54
Even when they know they're wrong. 01:30:58
They have a hard time saying the words I'm sorry. 01:31:00
Because as we were discussing during our discussion portion, why we don't move wedges. 01:31:03
They feel like it's a sign of weakness to admit you're wrong. 01:31:09
They feel like our associated with failure. 01:31:13
That they did something wrong. 01:31:16
Right. And so it's hard to say the words I'm sorry, but that it somehow affecting them or or painting them in a way that isn't 01:31:18
great and so this ones hard and some people want to skip from step one. 01:31:23
To Step 3. 01:31:29
And it doesn't work. 01:31:31
I've seen it attempted many times. It doesn't work. What is that for you to make that more clear, step three is where we say, hey 01:31:32
Steven, we have this wedge, let's do something different in the future so we don't keep having the same wedge over and over. 01:31:39
Because where you and I are going to have these wedges now and again other wedges, let's not keep having this one. 01:31:45
Right, so we build a structure, and so we're doing that here in my example. 01:31:51
So after she said those nice things about this, I said, well I really appreciate that she jumped, right? Because either one of us 01:31:55
could suggest #3 and she jumped right in since she was on A roll and she says how about this Jerry? 01:32:00
We will set a plan in the future when we have assignments we're working on together in support of the administrative team. 01:32:07
And I will memorialize those assignments in an e-mail after those meetings. 01:32:13
And then if either one of us. 01:32:20
Is going to deviate or have our team members deviate from them. Cannot do that without talking to the other one first, her and I. 01:32:22
Right. Does that work for you? I'm like, yeah. 01:32:29
That's a great plan that will work for us. Here's the plan written down, and we're going to deviate from it or our team members 01:32:32
are we need consent first, at least verbal consent from the other person. 01:32:37
That totally works for me. 01:32:42
Yeah, now we have structure. We are not going to have the same wedge again in our exam. 01:32:44
So I added to it a little bit, change it up a little bit, she said. Yeah, that's a great idea. We'll do that also. 01:32:50
And then we can get to #4 that's required of both of us. 01:32:55
And that is to let it go. 01:32:58
We absolutely have to let it go. 01:33:01
Neither one of us has the right to bring it up when it's convenient. 01:33:03
Right, we have some other totally different misunderstanding. 01:33:07
Two months from now. 01:33:10
Right. And and I say the receipt, this is just like before. Wait, no, because we worked through it. We make commitments and we've 01:33:12
kept them. 01:33:17
We fix this. We removed this wedge. I have no right to bring it up, to trade it up at my convenience. 01:33:23
Right. And do that. That's part of it. Be forward-looking. Now Step 4 used to be what we call. 01:33:28
Be forgiving, but a lot of people about 12 years ago, we changed it because a lot of people didn't like the word forgiveness. 01:33:34
They thought it was either too religious or too associated with weakness or mistakes, like we said earlier, right? 01:33:42
But I want you to think about this definition of forgiveness. 01:33:48
Forgiveness is the process of setting someone free. 01:33:51
Did I talk about this last month with you? I feel like this rings like the man. I get all my councils mixed up now, right? 01:33:56
Forgiveness is the process of setting something free. 01:34:02
Only to discover. 01:34:06
You were the one who was in prisons. 01:34:08
That's my absolute favorite definition of forgiveness. 01:34:12
You repeat it. 01:34:15
Because I'm thinking of my earlier wedge with. 01:34:17
With Martha, she walked in. 01:34:20
And I was over here all joyful, yeah. So that she walked in, I was like, alright. 01:34:22
Right. My face turns red and I'm like, OK, I'm going to go sit down. My mood change. My blood pressure, I'm sure went up. 01:34:27
Who is this hurting? 01:34:35
Me. 01:34:37
Or Martha. 01:34:38
Because she comes in just fine, right? Get yourself ready. Pulls out a couple of cookies, shares them with everybody but me. 01:34:39
And who is this hurting? It's me. 01:34:49
Not her. 01:34:52
Real life story. 01:34:54
In 1978. 01:34:55
My, my parents had been. 01:34:57
Separated. 01:35:00
There were seven years. 01:35:02
Right, so they separated when I was 4, going to be 5. 01:35:04
Are six somewhere there? 01:35:08
And. 01:35:10
And in my head, like many kids, many young boys who think of their dads. 01:35:12
Wanted to and I had a stepdad in my life by then who was who was pretty good to me. 01:35:17
But my dad was my dad, right? 01:35:22
Anybody who's been separated from a parent knows exactly what I'm talking about. 01:35:25
And so I always built it up in my head that one day. 01:35:30
My dad and I were going to encounter each other again, even though we lost track of him. 01:35:33
Because we're kids. My mom knew where he was, what he was doing, et cetera. 01:35:37
But she was the one who chose to to leave. 01:35:41
Was 1970 just correct myself? 01:35:44
And they've been together for 10 years. 01:35:46
And there's good reason for her to choose to leave. 01:35:49
And it had my head built up. You know, when I see him, he's going to be so cool. 01:35:52
And he's gonna be this, he's gonna be that, right? Then in 1978, my mom sat us down and said Mijo. 01:35:56
And we hope that my brother and I. 01:36:03
And informed us that Hart, our dad, had been the victim of violent crime. 01:36:06
And had been beaten to death. 01:36:10
As a result of some. 01:36:12
Drug deal gone bad up in the Santa Cruz Mountains. 01:36:15
Right. And I thought, ohh, my gosh. 01:36:18
And then you think about it, it doesn't really affect you. Your stepdad's there filling that role. 01:36:20
And then you just start to ponder it, you know? And at that point I'm 12 or 13. 01:36:25
And not much of it process that well. But then I started to get angry. 01:36:29
You know all the stages, right? Of grief. 01:36:33
Right. Denial and then anger, and then so forth. And so on and so forth, so. 01:36:35
And so now I'm at the anger phase. I'm thinking, Oh my gosh, right. 01:36:41
And I feel like in my DNA. 01:36:44
I do have some pretty good forgetting tendencies. 01:36:46
I get it from my mother. My brother also has it. 01:36:50
And then in 1983, the year I graduated from high school. 01:36:53
We were informed that the individual five years later. 01:36:58
Who had murdered our biological father was getting out of prison. 01:37:01
So I was starting life anew, studying from high school, whole life ahead of me. And so was this guy. 01:37:06
Who took away my ideal of what was going to happen. 01:37:12
And that was when it was explained to me. 01:37:16
That's. 01:37:20
You can choose to give this person power and control over you. 01:37:21
And life situation. 01:37:25
Or you can stay in control of you. 01:37:27
And choose happiness and choose moving forward and so forth. 01:37:30
And I didn't fully get it as a 1213 year old right. I couldn't utter the words forgiveness as the process of setting someone free 01:37:34
only to discover you were the one who was in prison. 01:37:39
But I know this it didn't take me long to realize. 01:37:44
That that I didn't need. 01:37:48
To hold on to anything. 01:37:50
Right. I hadn't had a relationship with my dad since I was 4, almost 5. 01:37:52
And you know, I lost some ideal things. But why would I give this stranger, this convicted murderer fellow? 01:37:56
Any control over me? 01:38:03
And and it works. It really works. So we don't want you to waste any of your finite amount of energy. 01:38:05
On things you have no control over. 01:38:12
Right, we want you to focus on the things you can control. Looking at my time here. 01:38:14
As I'm saying this. 01:38:19
What we mean by that is we want you to be an energy efficient human being. 01:38:21
Did we talk about this last month? I don't want to cover it again. 01:38:25
Right. Let's just say anything becomes familiar. You're just interrupt me halfway. Let's say this bottom represented a full 01:38:28
complement of energy. 01:38:32
Right, that you have on a daily basis. 01:38:35
Which of the five of you is the most energetic, by the way? 01:38:38
Your point is Steven. 01:38:41
So even Steven has a finite amount of energy. 01:38:44
Right, all of you have a finite amount. 01:38:47
And here we've used some. Sometimes we use more. 01:38:49
Yeah, it took way more energy than Tony thought to get here for how far she discovered and so forth. So we have a finite amount. 01:38:53
And then you know, by the middle of the day. 01:39:01
And by the way, if you're working with people with whom you have wedges. 01:39:04
It takes even more energy because you got to worry about how you write this e-mail. 01:39:07
Yeah, I want to send this to Misty, but I don't want to take it the wrong way. So I write it carefully, Then I send it over to my 01:39:10
coworker. Bobby, hey, does this look OK to you? Because I don't want anyone to misread it, right? That's all this energy. 01:39:16
Going on here, Oh my God. Instead of just being able to send it without concern, right, You know, and and whatever else. And so 01:39:22
more energy. Lunch comes. 01:39:26
Energy comes back a little bit because we had a healthy image, right? Breasted chicken. Look at how healthy these days. I'll fix 01:39:31
it right now. Breasted chicken salad with dressing on the side and a fruit cup, right? That's James right there, as opposed to 01:39:36
cherry. 01:39:41
Right. 01:39:46
Actually, he's being better. 01:39:47
Eating chicken. So like I said, tofu salad on the side, right? And so food that tastes like cheese. And then there's my lunch, 01:39:51
which is a chorizo burrito. 01:39:57
Every time we say where to beacon. Red salad. Ohh, there you go. There you might have to. You gonna be hungry for dinner soon? 01:40:05
That wedge salad. Wedge salad. Every time you said so. 01:40:10
At the end of the day, by the time you get back. 01:40:15
You know you got stuff to do at home, whether it's little kids or whatever else, and. 01:40:17
That's really gone. They just gotta get horizontal because if you don't get to sleep. 01:40:21
One of your vital organs is eventually going to get out and you're going to have a stroke or some bad is going to happen the 01:40:25
age-old way of. 01:40:27
You know, doing harm to somebody right in the torture world is depriving them of sleep. 01:40:30
Right. And so we can't have that you need to sleep. Very important. And so then you get all your energy back for the next day, but 01:40:34
it's still only a finite amounts. 01:40:39
Why would you waste any of it? 01:40:43
On things you cannot control, like the past. 01:40:46
So. 01:40:49
My marvelous port, my namie governance team. 01:40:51
Right. 01:40:54
It doesn't feel like we've had the best past we could have had these last couple years or so. 01:40:55
Hasn't been horrific, trust me. I work with a lot of councils. It hasn't been horrific. 01:41:01
But it could have been better, more productive, more harmonious. 01:41:07
And certainly less wedge filled than it has been. 01:41:12
But we can't change it. 01:41:15
We can't change 10 minutes ago, let alone the last 24 months or so. 01:41:17
Right. Or since last fall that you've been on the council about that. Right. We can't change any of it. What we can change is 01:41:23
tomorrow. 01:41:26
We can absolutely change tomorrow. 01:41:31
We can focus on. 01:41:33
Being good stewards and adhering to our own policies and directions on how we treat each other. 01:41:35
We can focus on the mission or the responsibilities of a governance team. Set a vision, established policies, champion that vision 01:41:42
and those policies, and then hire a good city manager and work through them. 01:41:49
For everything that we can't control. 01:41:56
What we cannot control is each other. 01:41:58
Right. So as you sit here listening to all these things. 01:42:01
Just save yourself. Am I squarely in the solution part of what Jerry's been talking about today? 01:42:04
Or am I part of the problem? 01:42:10
And you're probably going to say sometimes I'm a little bit of 1 most of the time, hopefully on this one, right? 01:42:12
Well, whatever it is, if you do an honest introspective analysis. 01:42:17
We need to make sure that we say we are not going to be a paradigm projecting council member at the City of Fort Wayne IN. 01:42:20
We are going to be a governance team member committed to engaging in a professional way. 01:42:28
To allowing others to have opinions that are different from those in our paradigm, and not creating an adversarial relationship 01:42:34
out of it. 01:42:38
And if a wedge does appear? 01:42:43
Right, it doesn't have to result. 01:42:45
And what often it can result in. 01:42:48
Right if it leads to more censures. 01:42:50
Right. And a number of other things that can go on. What we can do is say, hey, Bobby, I think we've got a wedge. 01:42:53
Right after a council meeting. Do you have time to chat now? Actually, I got a raise to my kids. Whatever. Whatever. 01:42:59
And let's set some time. Let me know when you're available this week so we can chat about that. I just want to get it out of the 01:43:05
book. 01:43:07
I want to get it removed. 01:43:10
We can do that, Steven. You know, I don't know what your schedule is like this week and at the port, but you know, if you could 01:43:11
make some time for me, I think maybe an hour or less, that would be great. 01:43:16
Because we can talk about a couple of things that I think did become, which is Laura, you know, do you have time for me? Whatever 01:43:21
it is, we can do that. 01:43:25
We have control of that. 01:43:28
The great John Wooden. I've quoted him last time I quote him again. 01:43:31
Don't let the things you cannot do interfere with the things you can do. 01:43:34
You can be an energy efficient human being. 01:43:38
One of the characteristics of the happiest people I've encountered. 01:43:41
And my earthly experience here. 01:43:45
Is people who say I'm going to use my energy here forward? 01:43:48
They don't waste any of it. 01:43:51
On 5 minutes ago or a year ago? 01:43:53
They have fewer regrets. 01:43:56
Right. When it comes right down to it, we'll have things we wish we could change, but it doesn't follow that they have to be 01:43:58
regressed, you know, right. So putting a little. 01:44:02
Right to self-awareness now. 01:44:07
And I said we would pivot a little bit, then I'll get into communication, then we'll be done because it's pretty straightforward 01:44:08
subjects, but this is the big one, self-awareness, There are five buckets of emotional intelligence. 01:44:13
Do you remember what they are? self-awareness? 01:44:19
And the others come to mind. Just curious. 01:44:22
Even in one empathy. 01:44:26
5 buckets of. 01:44:28
Emotional Intelligence, self-awareness, Empathy, Social skills is another one. These are just general buckets, right? 01:44:29
Communication. 01:44:33
Close right. Internal motivation is a big part of it and then self regulation. 01:44:38
Self regulation, self-awareness, empathy, social skills, and internal motivation. 01:44:43
The ones that matter the most on an effective governance team are self regulation and self-awareness. 01:44:48
Those are the big ones. Self regulation is that button right here. We've talked about the button, didn't we, last month. 01:44:54
See, I feel like I leave you and I've had a lasting impression on you and I've changed your lives forever. 01:45:01
Right then I get these reaction. I'm like, no, did I cover this last month? 01:45:06
I didn't forget. You Remember Me pointing to my neck and saying there's a button. Good, there's a button right here. 01:45:10
Right. Not not a little. But that stops you from saying everything that pops into your brain. 01:45:16
Right, City managers have to have three buttons. 01:45:23
The nature of their role. They have to have three safeguard filters right there. But we all should have a filter that stops us 01:45:27
from saying everything that pops into our head. We all know somebody though, don't we? Who has a broken button, Family member, 01:45:34
coworker, somebody. And if they think it, it slips right out. You're like, OK, TMI, too much information. I didn't need to hear 01:45:41
that, but others of us. 01:45:47
We don't use the self regulation button when we need to. 01:45:55
Which is? 01:45:58
Because we didn't take this little test, here's the test. You ready? 01:45:59
Is what I'm about to say going to benefit this interaction with my colleague Tony? 01:46:02
And if it's not, then I'm not going to say it. 01:46:11
But you don't get it, Jerry. I'm right. 01:46:14
I'm right about this? 01:46:17
I have 3 emails that I've hung on to it since 2016 for just a bunch of pages right now. One more still dating back in 2013 that I 01:46:18
knew would come in handy. I know I'm nice, so I need to share this with you because I'm in the right ear. 01:46:25
Is it going to have a positive impact? 01:46:32
On this dynamic, if it's not, I don't care how right it was. 01:46:34
You swallow it. 01:46:38
You swallow it and don't share it. If there's a teaching moment that needs to happen later, great, but now is not that time. 01:46:40
Now is not that time. 01:46:47
And so we swallow it. That's self regulation in a nutshell. 01:46:48
Self-awareness is a whole nother ball game because there's two parts. There's internal and external self-awareness. 01:46:51
Internal is Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? 01:46:57
Do you know what drives you? Do you know your values? Do you know except that? Right. Actually, two things. One, you understand 01:47:01
the impact that you have on the people around you as part of it, and the other part of it. 01:47:06
Do you understand how people perceive you? 01:47:13
That's another part of extra self-awareness. 01:47:15
Right. That's important. That's a very important part. What drives me, what's your passion, what's your values, et cetera. But 01:47:45
let's get to external cause, that's where we interact. 01:47:49
Right. 01:47:54
Do you understand how people perceive you? 01:47:55
Do you understand how people see you? 01:47:58
Right. Do you get it? 01:48:02
What people perceive about you and is it aligned with what you think You are projecting out to the world? 01:48:03
That is so critical to be in a place where you can effectively engage with those people. 01:48:10
Because what if people see you as a freaking bore? 01:48:16
Right. And you go to these parties and you can't quite understand why after one minute or two, people are walking away from you 01:48:20
like you've got the plague, right? It's because everyone perceives you as a board. If you don't know that, that's going to affect 01:48:24
how you interact. 01:48:29
Right. With others. If you do know it, you're going to be able to say OK, Jerry at the party, don't talk about yourself. Don't 01:48:34
become a me monster. Me, me, me, me, me and all the things you're doing. Ask people, Hey, Steven. So what's going on at the port? 01:48:39
Anything new and exciting? 01:48:43
Hey Misty, what do you hear about that? Right You? And then you ask of other people. Then you become less of a more. The poor 01:48:49
people are those who always talk about an answer. Objects that they know, they feel they know better. Everybody else and about 01:48:53
themselves. 01:48:57
But you can't. You can't change your behavior. Modify your behavior if you don't know that's how you're perceived. 01:49:01
Right. Maybe you're perceived as a bully. 01:49:07
And if you don't know that? 01:49:10
That's going to be a problem. 01:49:13
Right. Maybe you're perceived as a paradigm projecting narcissist. 01:49:14
I'm not Speaking of anyone in particular. 01:49:22
Anyone running for major offices or anything? Right. So here's the deal. 01:49:27
And by the way, many. 01:49:34
Of our presidential candidates, our paradigm? Projecting narcissists for the record, OK. 01:49:36
But some seem to stand out as like experts in it more than others. And so here's the deal. 01:49:41
You need to know how others perceive you, and there are ways to figure that out, but you need feedback. 01:49:47
You won't know it unless you're open to feedback. 01:49:52
From caring critics. 01:49:56
Not feedback from your mom. 01:49:58
I just talked to my mom outside in a few minutes I had. 01:50:01
I don't call her enough. I talked to her. 01:50:04
Couple of times a week, but she'd like to hear from you every day. 01:50:06
You know, and I'm OK with that. We compromise when I call her two or three times a week, depending. And so she's always going to 01:50:10
tell me because she's always said to me, me who you can do anything. 01:50:15
I thought I had a career in the NBA ahead of me as a result of her false and misleading statements, right? That's what moms do. 01:50:21
Good moms in particular. 01:50:25
So we want somebody who's a caring critic who knows you and sees you in your professional situations. 01:50:30
That's what needs to happen. 01:50:35
And then how do you take feedback? 01:50:37
Do you listen to understand? 01:50:39
Or do you listen to response? Do you listen like a lawyer or you listening like you're gonna remove a wedge, right? That's the 01:50:41
better way to listen, to understand? 01:50:46
Because if you're listening to respond immediately, you're like, well, well, the reason you say that I don't connect with my 01:50:50
class, I'm thinking teaching in particular, we have a lot of feedback. As I look at the bear right here, what do you mean I didn't 01:50:56
connect well with my class? Didn't you think that we may have different definitions of connecting with the class, etcetera. And so 01:51:01
you need to be willing to accept the feedback that caring for gives. 01:51:07
And no one to carry credit is. 01:51:13
By somebody who isn't the best interest at heart. Somebody who knows you professionally. Somebody who won't give you honest 01:51:15
feedback and is not going to avoid avoid the hard conversations. 01:51:19
Right, Somebody who's objective. 01:51:24
With the little subjectivity mixed in there, and that would be helpful in your situation. 01:51:27
So, so let me do that again so when it comes right down to it on this. 01:51:31
Do you understand the impact? 01:51:37
You have other people around for this. I'm going to cover that more when it gets to the slide on the communication elements. 01:51:39
So I want to switch over this one. Any questions about settlements? 01:51:45
There's a whole 2 hour session we do on improving self-awareness. We can't possibly add it to you know the middle of this session, 01:51:49
but it's not affecting this team that I wanted to put it on your radars internal. 01:51:55
Right, knowing your self extraction weaknesses and then the external. 01:52:01
Are you in alignment? Do you understand how people perceive you, and do you understand the impact you're having on people around 01:52:05
you? 01:52:07
And it can change with tone. 01:52:10
Tone. Tone. Tone. Tone. Tone. 01:52:13
All the impact, there'll be slide a minute covering those 10 adverse impact ones. There are more, but these are the ones that we 01:52:17
feel are most important. 01:52:20
So on the subject of communication, my favorite quote single biggest problem with communication. The illusion that it has taken 01:52:24
place. 01:52:28
Ohh my gosh. It's like this person was speaking into each of our relationships, right? 01:52:33
When you think you've communicated and you habits. Ah, so frustrating. 01:52:39
You've been with this person long enough to feel like, hey, we should have this down and we don't. 01:52:45
And it happens. It could be you and a sibling could be you and a child, adult child, could be you and your romantic partner George 01:52:50
Bernard child. So you know, he was talking about, at least on this subject. 01:52:55
And I believe it, we think we've communicated. So what is your definition of a successful communication? 01:53:01
Now I want you to take a minute and talk to your neighbor again and come up with a quick definition. I'm only going to give you 01:53:08
one or two minutes. What is a good definition of an effective communication? 01:53:12
Right. What does it mean to effectively communicate? 01:53:17
You. 01:53:20
Let me give you that. 01:53:24
Your definition of successful. 01:53:27
Understanding that. 01:53:31
Thanks for the questions. 01:53:33
Baby. 01:53:36
I think so. 01:53:38
Whatever. 01:53:42
How do you measure? 01:53:44
Answer that. 01:53:47
I guess being able to. 01:53:50
Yeah, I'm just being a little understanding. 01:53:53
Anyone here? 01:53:58
Because I was thinking about that time. 01:54:00
Yes. 01:54:02
Really came down to being that. 01:54:05
Yeah. 01:54:07
So how do you? 01:54:09
Same. 01:54:15
So. 01:54:18
And yeah. 01:54:21
So. 01:54:26
I'm not looking at him like, right now. 01:54:29
Right. OK. So any questions? 01:54:33
Huge. 01:54:38
You know she with. 01:54:38
But I mean. 01:54:42
Yeah. 01:54:56
Average. 01:54:58
Yeah. 01:55:02
That is. 01:55:04
OK. Who wants to share their definition or it's kind of, you know, constructed for us? 01:55:06
Figure that they're doing Pierre Knox. We will be carrying critics and give you good positive feedback, right? But honest 01:55:11
feedback? No. Who am I who wants to share their definition of? 01:55:15
What is? How do we know if we have a successful or effective communication? 01:55:20
Give me some pieces, Laura. What were you going to say? Yeah, thank you. 01:55:24
Well, what did you guys do? 01:55:30
Martha came up with a different no, we just we were talking and I. 01:55:32
As in definition. 01:55:36
Umm. 01:55:38
I think it's a successful communication when the intended message has been received by December. 01:55:40
Very good, very good. Any other elements that anybody wants to add to that? 01:55:49
He said that both parties are heard and both parties are valid in. 01:55:53
Very nice. Does that cover everybody's definition? Pretty good. 01:55:59
Anything missing, Georgiana? Anything missing? We got it. 01:56:03
And active listening. 01:56:08
Very good. All elements that will be successful to our communication, but that's it. You guys crushed it. You're excellent 01:56:11
communicators as far as knowing that when there's a meeting of the minds and the speaker desired message at her end. 01:56:17
Understood. 01:56:24
By the receiver. Effective communication is cheap. 01:56:25
So you were all on point with that, right? Absolutely. And what is one way that you ensure that you're getting that message, that 01:56:28
you're having a meeting of the minds? 01:56:33
Randomly I picked Georgiana, how do you make sure that you have a meeting of the minds that you understands? So if I don't 01:56:39
understand something, I would say you know, OK, this is what I understood. Is that correct? You know? 01:56:45
Just to make sure that we're on the same page. 01:56:52
Yeah, let's do that. Yeah. So. So before the person leaves or ends that engagement, hey, so just so I'm clear. 01:56:55
You want me to that are gonna even if there's this possible look on my face, right? And whether I agree is not relevant. 01:57:03
It's, you know, let me understand what you're asking me here, Mr. Mayor, right. And so for active listening is tremendous, 01:57:11
tremendous way to ensure we have a meeting of the minds. And you know what it does. 01:57:17
It saves us tremendous resources from, you know, heading down a path we were never supposed to go down. Seven with your hand up. 01:57:22
Yeah. When you, you're doing a similar message with many different people, you have to sometimes, you know, catch yourself, OK, 01:57:30
wait, this isn't going as well as it did with the prior person. And I'm using the same message. So, you know, you gotta mix it up 01:57:37
or try to slow down or figure out how. Because you you oftentimes you could, you could tell. 01:57:44
If they're not communicating clearly. 01:57:51
And you quickly learn, right when you're working with somebody, engaged with somebody, serving with someone in the community, they 01:57:54
don't. 01:57:58
Should retain as much if it's just an auditory discussion. 01:58:02
Some people are visual learners. 01:58:05
And you need to put a visual into it somehow. And it could just be grabbing a pad of paper and saying here's what you know, it 01:58:07
could be creating a PowerPoint. It just depends on what the situation is. 01:58:12
But everyone learns differently. Certainly everyone learns differently. So those are all great comments and I appreciate again, 01:58:17
let's not forget. 01:58:20
The staff and the elements here of effective communication. The sounds. So communication 101 like you're just becoming adults and 01:58:24
I'm sharing this with you. But I'm here to tell you technology has really like it's been like an undertow pulling us away from 01:58:31
effective communication. Here's what I mean. Step 1A message is sent. Step 2A message is received. Step 3A message is understood. 01:58:39
Now. Step 4. This one isn't as critical elements. This is the cherry elements. 01:58:46
And then I say, you know what I say to you this morning because I didn't get an acknowledgement. So it cost me a level of stress, 01:59:24
uncertainty, a little worried enough time I had to go fix this. I don't want to go home thinking about it in the evening, right. 01:59:28
And so that's why I like acknowledged. 01:59:33
A lot of your paradigms agree with you felt this unemployment. Some of yours more than others. You do have to, you know, give a 01:59:38
big acknowledgement. Response. No, She could easily just stand and she learns this about me. Got it? 01:59:44
Period. 01:59:50
THX. Period. Not even a full things right. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. As long as there's an emoji. Yes, that will 01:59:52
work. That will work. So there is message. 01:59:57
Acknowledged, understood, have been acknowledged. 02:00:05
Let's answer this question on here. 02:00:07
City Manager asked me to ensure that we have the Community Center set up for a three o'clock special council meeting on July the